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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25239955">Another Lonely Day</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki'>TonySawicki</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dir en grey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, And Jerking Off Together, Feelings, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Just bros being bros, Kissing, Loneliness, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Porn Watching, Post-Break Up, Smut, Watching Porn Together (Platonically), bonding over porn, connection</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:01:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,914</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25239955</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After breaking off things with Shinya, Kyo ends up building a friendship with another of his bandmates, and discovering that they have more in common than he realized.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Die &amp; Kyo (Dir en grey), Die/Kyo (Dir en grey), Past Kyo/Shinya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey everyone! Here's the first chapter of the new fic (it's not a super long one this time, but yeah)!<br/>Heh, it starts out a little dramatic (just 'cause let's be honest, Kyo's a li'l dramatic) but I think there are some funnier bits if you keep reading, so it's really not very angsty overall.<br/>Planning on 2 updates a week for this one, so yes, anyway, enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“I’m not yours anymore.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Were you ever?”</p>
<p class="p1">The raised eyebrow is expected and Kyo offers Shinya a small, fond smile. “I would have been,” he says, as he buttons up his shirt. “If you’d ever wanted me to be.”</p>
<p class="p1">Shinya scoffs, looking back down at his phone. “Never. You could never belong to just one person.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo doesn’t reply. It doesn’t matter what he says anyway. He knows that Shinya is utterly wrong. He could <em>only</em> belong to one person.</p>
<p class="p1">He finishes gathering his things in silence, only the soft sound of the air conditioning unit drifting through the room. Just before he can go, Shinya speaks up again.</p>
<p class="p1">“Why?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo turns to look at him. He hasn’t moved from his place on the bed, but he’s looking up from his phone again, his head cocked.</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m not trying to argue, or stop you from leaving for anything,” Shinya says. “But, out of curiosity.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo wants Shinya to argue. He wants him to reach out, take his hand, pull him back into the bed, but he knows he won’t. That’s exactly the problem. What he wants to be to Shinya isn’t something Shinya needs, and what he needs from Shinya isn’t something he’s willing to give. It’s not Shinya’s fault.</p>
<p class="p1">“I’ll always be here for you,” Kyo says. “But it would be pretty stupid of me to wait around for something that you’ve made clear isn’t going to happen. I have to admit that much as I—that this isn’t meant to be. I’m not waiting any longer.”</p>
<p class="p1">True to his word, and much to Kyo’s dismay even though he expects it, Shinya doesn’t argue. He just watches as Kyo picks up his jacket from the floor and walks out.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s been a long time coming, Kyo knows. He liked to imagine that, over time, what he had with Shinya would become something more, that feelings might gradually develop between them, but he’s aware he’s been fooling himself with that.</p>
<p class="p1">It doesn’t change much in his life to end that kind of relationship with Shinya. They still see each other at work, and it doesn’t hurt that much, most of the time.</p>
<p class="p1">All the same, Kyo is lonely. It’s hard to put into words exactly what he felt—feels?—for Shinya, but he knows there’s now a void in his life where Shinya once was, offering physical comfort, making Kyo feel both safe and desired.</p>
<p class="p1">At times, he wonders if his decision was rash. Surely the benefits of whatever they had going outweighed the negative parts. Doesn’t that mean he’s been a fool to let it go?</p>
<p class="p1">These thoughts tend to occur mostly when Kyo is home alone, exhausted and regretful. It had been so easy for him and Shinya to fall together, to find pleasure in each other, and it would be possible for them to still have that. Kyo is sure that if he changed his mind, Shinya wouldn’t refuse to take him back. He’d always seen it as something fleeting and casual to begin with.</p>
<p class="p1">And that’s exactly why Kyo can’t let them go back to that. Even when he tries, he can’t be that kind of person; he feels things too deeply, cares too much even when it can only hurt him, and walking back into that situation with Shinya would only cause him heartache.</p>
<p class="p1">So he spends more time alone. While he’s never minded having time and space to himself, he starts to become more and more isolated, and he doesn’t even realize it until one day, his alone time <em>isn’t</em> entirely alone.</p>
<p class="p1">He’s sitting in the break room at the studio, and only half-notices when Die appears on the couch beside him.</p>
<p class="p1">“Everything all right?” Die asks.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s soft and kind in the way that Die so often is, but still Kyo is tempted to shrug him off, say that everything is as “fine” as it ever is. It’s not a complete lie, and Die would probably accept it rather than push for details.</p>
<p class="p1">However, something about the fact that it is Die, who Kyo trusts, and with whom he feels comfortable sharing things he might not with others, makes Kyo want to be more honest than that.</p>
<p class="p1">“I guess I’m feeling a little out of it,” he says vaguely.</p>
<p class="p1">“Yeah, well, I noticed that much,” Die says. “You’ve been sitting there staring into space for over an hour. I thought maybe you’d fallen asleep with your eyes open.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo frowns. “You’ve been here for an hour?”</p>
<p class="p1">“I came in, said hello,” Die says, giving Kyo a funny look. “I was over there at the table for a long time, working on my laptop. I came over here to check on you, ‘cause you were kind of scaring me.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m sorry,” Kyo says, and rubs at his face. It’s embarrassing how he doesn’t remember everything Die’s describing, but he can hardly afford to get defensive about any of it. “There’s been a lot on my mind.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Anything you want to talk about?”</p>
<p class="p1">It’s an offer made without expectation. Once again, Kyo knows he could decline and Die would drop the matter without a fuss.</p>
<p class="p1">Instead he takes a gamble. “I ended things with Shinya.”</p>
<p class="p1">There’s a pause, but Die doesn’t seem disturbed or especially confused. He must have known there was something going on between them, though Kyo can’t guess at how much detail Shinya would have shared.</p>
<p class="p1">Finally Die asks, “How are you feeling about having done that?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Lonely,” Kyo says truthfully.</p>
<p class="p1">"If all you're looking for is an… intimate partner,” Die says, “I’m thinking it would be pretty easy for you to fill that—<em>space</em>.”</p>
<p class="p1">He’s not being rude or condescending. As far as Kyo can tell, it’s genuine advice, but it’s also given by someone who understands his and Shinya’s relationship only from Shinya’s side.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo takes a deep breath, confirms for himself that there’s no one else in the break room before he decides to share a bit more of his personal feelings. “I don’t know, obviously,” he begins, “what Shinya’s told you. I mean, I guess, that we were fuck buddies or what have you, but it wasn’t just that, for me. I can’t just replace Shinya with anyone.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die’s features soften, though Kyo had never noticed them being hard. “You’re saying you two were more than just a casual thing?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo shrugs. "Maybe it started out that way, both of us getting our benefits from it, but—if I’m honest, that’s never what I wanted from Shinya. I thought he knew how—Maybe he did, and he chose to ignore it.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die purses his lips, then abruptly stands. “I think we should get out of here,” he says, moving to collect his things from the table.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo watches in confusion. “Why? And go where?”</p>
<p class="p1">“This just isn’t the most private place for our conversation,” Die says. “We could go get some coffee, or you could come to my place, and we could keep discussing—”</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m not ashamed,” Kyo cuts him off. “I don’t have a problem with talking about it here, and if <em>you’re</em> embarrassed to hear what I’m saying—”</p>
<p class="p1">“That’s not what I mean at all,” Die says. “I just feel like—”</p>
<p class="p1">“You know what, it’s okay,” Kyo says. He stands up and pats his pockets to make sure he has everything with him. “I really don’t need to talk about it.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die doesn’t try to fight him, and Kyo leaves the studio. He wasn’t getting any work done anyway.</p>
<p class="p1">He supposes he should have expected Die to not understand, to be uncomfortable talking about such things. Especially given Die’s close friendship with Shinya, hearing Kyo confess to having certain feelings for him might just be too much for him.</p>
<p class="p1">Really he doesn’t know why he’d been so keen on opening up to Die in the first place. While it’s true that Kyo doesn’t feel any real shame discussing these matters, there’s no reason to bring the rest of the band into it.</p>
<p class="p1">It all just comes back to those feelings of extreme loneliness and isolation. If he could at least share those feelings with someone else, maybe they’d be somehow more manageable.</p>
<p class="p1">Instead, Kyo finds himself back at home, with only his own dark thoughts to keep him company.</p>
<p class="p1">His thoughts and his horniness.</p>
<p class="p1">Another post-Shinya problem is that it’s been harder for him to get off lately; he’s always getting distracted by memories and loss and generally failing to concentrate. This didn’t used to be an area in which he struggled.</p>
<p class="p1">He sits tiredly on the couch in his living room, and takes his phone out of his pocket. He figures maybe with the right visual aid he’ll be able to bring himself all the way to orgasm.</p>
<p class="p1">Dragging his tongue over his teeth, Kyo unlocks the screen of his phone and tries to decide where he can find some good porn to look at. He wills himself not to open up his messaging app, to look through his past conversations with Shinya.</p>
<p class="p1">They had never exchanged a lot of dirty text messages or anything, but Kyo knows he has more than a few pictures of Shinya’s dick saved that he sent, probably more to torment Kyo than anything. They’d always arrived right when Kyo was in the middle of a meeting, or just before he’d had to go onstage. It was just part of Shinya’s sense of humor.</p>
<p class="p1">They’re good photos, though, Kyo knows. He’s spent more time than he would care to admit admiring them, and the temptation is strong, to pull them up right now, and use them to jerk off to.</p>
<p class="p1">It won’t make him feel better, but it’s always been easy to find his end when Shinya helps him. He wonders whether Shinya still has his photos saved, too, if he takes them out to look at when he’s alone. Kyo never said that he couldn’t, or asked him to delete them. Following that logic, Shinya probably wouldn’t mind Kyo continuing to enjoy the photos he sent, either.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo selects a different conversation—anything to keep himself from turning to Shinya—and realizes belatedly that he’s opened his chat with Die.</p>
<p class="p1">They haven’t texted all that much recently, just a few exchanges sharing relevant information for work, and he scrolls further back in their conversation, smiling at the memories returning to him.</p>
<p class="p1">Die is often one to think of Kyo when he has something to share, and much of their chat history is links sent back and forth, recommendations of books, movies, restaurants, and other more obscure things, like hair products, preferred pen brands, and chapstick.</p>
<p class="p1">Overall, Kyo trusts Die’s opinion. Even when he doesn’t agree with him, he can usually see the value in his recommendation, and he appreciates how well Die seems to grasp what appeals to Kyo, only very rarely sending him something of no interest at all.</p>
<p class="p1">So, Kyo can blame that line of thinking for how he sends Die a text before his brain can have a chance to talk him out of it.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[K]: </b>
  <em>Do you have any good porn recs?</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">As soon as he realizes what he’s done, Kyo has his face in his hands. How could he send a message like that to Die? They’re coworkers! They share things all the time, sure, but they’ve never shared anything like <em>that</em>! And after how they talked earlier in the day, Die is sure to think Kyo has completely lost his grip.</p>
<p class="p1">His one consolation is that it might take Die a while to see the message. That leaves Kyo some time to find an appropriate manner in which to retract it. Would a simple “<em>Oh shit, sorry, wrong chat</em>” be too cliché?</p>
<p class="p1">Unfortunately, Die’s reply arrives while Kyo is still thinking about it.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>Um what are u looking for? F/M, M/M, F/F, 3-way, solo…?</em>
</p>
<p class="p1"><em> Jesus Christ</em>. Kyo rubs at his forehead as he rereads the text. Die is just gonna answer the question seriously, like there’s nothing weird about it? He’s not even going to give Kyo the necessary few minutes to backpedal?</p>
<p class="p1">Plus, Kyo hadn’t really given much thought to what Die is asking. He has his leanings, but when it comes to porn he’s not generally all that picky. Is Die going to ask for specific kinks next? Kyo’s not sure he would be able to handle the mortification.</p>
<p class="p1">Shakily, he types a message back.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[K]: </b>
  <em>No strong preferences.</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">And why did he need to respond at all? It’s starting to feel like some fucked-up game of Chicken, where sooner or later one of them will have to admit to how uncomfortable this is, and they’ll both laugh awkwardly and try to move on from it.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo feels oddly determined not to crack first.</p>
<p class="p1">He starts to think maybe he’s already won, too, as several minutes pass and he hears nothing. It’s better this way, he decides. It would be so much worse if Die were to actually call him out on his weirdness instead of quietly letting the conversation die.</p>
<p class="p1">The only trouble is now Kyo can never ever text Die again for any reason, or he’ll have to face the reminder of his brief lapse in sanity and self-preservation. In fact, it might be preferable for him to cease any kind of communication with Die altogether, for both their sakes. He hopes Die isn’t traumatized. Die has a good sense of humor; maybe Kyo will get lucky and Die will take the whole thing as some ill-thought-out joke.</p>
<p class="p1">Once again this hope is dashed as the next text from Die comes in.</p>
<p class="p1"><b>[D]:</b> <em>Not sure what you’re in the mood for but here are a few i like…</em></p>
<p class="p1">It’s followed by three links and Kyo stares at them in shock for almost a full minute. Could it be some kind of prank? He half-expects to get rick-rolled as he clicks on the first one.</p>
<p class="p1">But as it starts, he finds it’s just a fairly straightforward video of a youngish woman sucking cock. It’s normal, vanilla, not overly filthy, and Kyo skips around, not particularly intrigued by it. He’s not put off by it at all, and it’s enough to get his dick interested, but he only bothers to watch a few minutes. More than he cares to see some generic porn actor shoot his load on this girl’s face, he’s curious to find out what else Die has sent him.</p>
<p class="p1">The second video appeals to him more, a scene between two men. One of them has longer hair, pulled back into a ponytail, just long enough for the other man to wrap around his fist while he bends him over the arm of a couch and fucks him hard and fast.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo watches the whole video, which isn’t too terribly long. Somewhere in the middle, the guy with the ponytail starts jacking himself off, moaning loudly like he’s getting the best dicking of his life, and Kyo can’t help but free his own cock, so he can stroke himself as he watches.</p>
<p class="p1">He enjoys it, but it’s ultimately predictable, and he fails to reach his own peak by the time it’s finishing. He likes how loud it is, the top’s hips hitting the backs of his partner’s ass, the loud squelching of lube and friction; the two men in the video talk dirty to each other and it’s more natural than the dialogue he’s seen in most porn. In the end, they both cum, loud and uninhibited, and it’s hot, but nothing really special.</p>
<p class="p1">His curiosity is really burning by the time he clicks on the final link, and he sort of wonders if his not cumming during that last video might have had more to do with holding out so he could properly check out the third one.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s just fascinating to him. Is he learning something about Die, watching these? Or just about what Die thinks of <em>him</em>? He’s not sure why he even cares, but there’s excitement stirring inside him as the last video opens.</p>
<p class="p1">Something about it is unexpected. It’s just a solo video of a guy whose face is out of frame, and for some reason it catches Kyo by surprise more than the previous videos.</p>
<p class="p1">Is this the kind of thing Die watches by himself? Kyo isn’t all that shocked by what might show Die’s apparent interest in men, but this still isn’t quite what Kyo would have guessed would be his type.</p>
<p class="p1">The guy is shirtless, kneeling on a nondescript western-style bed. He’s tan, well-built, and <em>covered</em> in tattoos. It’s practically just a blur of shapes and colors, too many to distinguish any individual image without pausing and zooming in. Kyo stares.</p>
<p class="p1">Generally speaking, he thinks he could take or leave tattoos; obviously he likes them for himself, but he doesn’t have much feeling one way or the other about finding them attractive on someone else. This guy seems to be making them work, and Kyo finds himself wondering whether there’s more ink to be revealed if/when he takes off his pants.</p>
<p class="p1">For the time being, the guy is just running his hands over his torso, playing with his nipples and rocking his hips against the air. He talks in a soft, husky voice, saying something Kyo doesn’t fully register about subscribing to his channel, catching his live shows, sending him tokens to show appreciation. Kyo gathers that he’s a camboy and probably makes a decent income off videos like this.</p>
<p class="p1">Is Die subscribed to his channel? Where did he even find this guy?</p>
<p class="p1">The questions are dismissed from Kyo’s immediate concerns as the video heats up, and the guy’s pants are lowered to show more tattoos down his hips, and then his cock, complete with an apadravya piercing.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s a good-sized cock, too, and Kyo almost moans just seeing it. The camboy adjusts the camera to briefly show off the plug he has filling his ass, and Kyo has a hand back on himself before he can even think about it. It’s during this video that he manages to get himself off, relief washing over him as the recent stress from his life leaves his body.</p>
<p class="p1">He collapses back against the couch as he comes back to himself, his eyes drifting closed, despite how he knows he needs to clean up and probably think about going to bed. What time is it anyway?</p>
<p class="p1">He’s startled to attention by his phone vibrating where he let it fall in his lap, and he blinks a few times as he gets the screen unlocked so he can read his new text message.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>So… did any of those work for u? Let me know if u need something different, there’s plenty more where that came from lol</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">It’s not time-sensitive, and Kyo could wait to respond until more of his brain is back online, but he writes back anyway.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[K]: </b>
  <em>They did the trick. Thanks for the help.</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>Glad to hear it, anytime.</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">That could be the end, and they could put all this behind them, but Die follows up with another message.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>Which vid did u like?</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">This is insane. There’s no way Die would actually ask him something like that. Kyo is convinced he’s actually started hallucinating.</p>
<p class="p1">But the words are still there, no matter how many times he blinks to try to clear his vision. There must be another explanation. Maybe Die is just being… polite? Trying to make conversation? There’s no need for it, though, and Kyo doesn’t really think Die would feel like he had to make smalltalk like that with him. So then maybe he’s asking for future reference? It’s ludicrous to think this situation would ever arise again, but then Kyo wouldn’t have predicted that it would come up even the first time, so who’s to say what could happen?</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo decides Die is just considerate enough to actually file information away in case he needs it again, as horrifying as that possibility seems.</p>
<p class="p1">So he decides to answer truthfully.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[K]: </b>
  <em>The third one, solo guy, did it for me.</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">He tries to ignore the feeling twisting in his gut with the acknowledgment that he just told Die exactly what he was thinking about when he got himself off.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>He’s my favorite too. If u need more recs i have a ton of his videos bookmarked.</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo wants to ask <em>why</em>, what is it about him that Die likes? Does he send tokens, pay real money to support this guy’s porn career? What does Die do while he watches his videos?</p>
<p class="p1">Okay, no, Kyo needs to snap out of this right now. Where are these thoughts even coming from? He’s just lonely and desperate and he needs to take a massive step back before he makes things between him and Die permanently weird.</p>
<p class="p1">He doesn’t bother sending any further texts, just leaves his phone on the couch as he goes to shower and wash this whole evening off of himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone! It's been kind of a rough week, I think, but here is the next chapter of this nonsense! <br/>Thanks, love~</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Die, for his part, doesn’t act like anything strange has happened. He talks to Kyo in the same way that he always has, laughing about something that's stressing out the rest of the band, or sharing his thoughts on the foreign horror/sci-fi TV show he’s been binge-watching on Netflix.</p>
<p class="p1">“You really should watch it,” Die tells him. “I think there’s just enough gross shit for you to stay interested.”</p>
<p class="p1">“That’s not all I care about,” Kyo protests.</p>
<p class="p1">“The characters are good, too,” Die says. “And there’s a good nostalgic feel to the whole thing. We could watch it together, if you want.”</p>
<p class="p1">The offer startles Kyo into looking up from his notebook. It’s not that they’ve <em>never</em> watched a movie or TV show together, but it’s been a while since they hung out socially for anything more than a shared meal. Kyo can’t remember the last time he visited Die’s home.</p>
<p class="p1">“Haven’t you already seen it though?” he says. “You’re on the third season or something.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Yeah, but I was already thinking about doing a re-watch, seeing what foreshadowing and easter eggs I missed the first time around. I wouldn’t mind.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can’t put his finger on how it makes him feel. It would be… fun? He knows Die has good taste, and he likes spending time with him, so why does it strike him as such a bad idea?</p>
<p class="p1">“I’ve got a lot on my to-watch list right now,” Kyo says at length. “I’ll try to get around to checking it out, but I don’t think we can count on our schedules lining up enough for us to, uh, watch it together.” He rubs at his nose. “Besides, you’d probably be insufferable, trying so hard not to blurt out spoilers that you wreck the whole atmosphere.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die laughs. “That’s a fair point. When you <em>do</em> watch it, though, you have to let me know what you think!”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo nods stiffly. “I’ll be sure and do that.”</p>
<p class="p1">He doesn’t check it out, not that week, or the next. He carries on isolating himself and feeling disconnected from everyone and everything, and Die puts no pressure on Kyo to watch his recommended show despite Kyo’s pledge that he would. Maybe he can tell when Kyo is just making empty promises.</p>
<p class="p1">After all, throughout his moping and distancing himself, Kyo can’t help but notice how well Die seems to know him, understand him.</p>
<p class="p1">He’s always there, keeping Kyo from being left awkwardly alone with Shinya, and more than once in the past couple weeks, he’s jumped in to answer for Kyo when it was obvious that he was taking too long pondering a question.</p>
<p class="p1">Considering that Kyo had been seriously concerned about the state of their friendship after… well, all of <em>that</em>, he very much appreciates how Die is as supportive as ever.</p>
<p class="p1">And Kyo hasn’t spent any more time with Die’s porn recommendations, either.</p>
<p class="p1">Or, almost. Okay, he watched the solo video one more time, but that was over a week ago, and since then, Kyo has simply been taking a break from… servicing himself in that way.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s possible that this has been taking a toll on his stress levels. Even under decent circumstances, Kyo isn’t great at managing his stress. He’s tried just about every unhealthy coping mechanism in the book at at least some point, and he’s starting to wonder which one he can turn to next, just to relieve the pressure of <em>not</em> jerking off.</p>
<p class="p1">Of course he <em>could</em> jerk off, if he really wanted to. It’s just still difficult to keep his mind from wandering, and to make it properly satisfying. He wants to watch more videos of that tattooed guy, see him try out some more toys, or hear his husky voice as he starts to fall apart. Kyo can’t really tell if it’s that he’s <em>attracted</em> to this faceless camboy or if it’s something a little bit more complicated than that.</p>
<p class="p1">Whatever the case, he doesn’t dare reach out to Die and ask for more. Despite the fact that Die had offered more freely, Kyo doesn’t think he could survive the humiliation of asking him for porn <em>again</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">So he suffers in silence, and tries to keep busy, and although he’s working himself into the ground, he doesn’t feel accomplished enough to detract from his constant state of loneliness and desolation.</p>
<p class="p1">His determination to handle this stress on his own makes it all the more surprising when Kyo is at home one evening, just out of the shower, and finds he has a new text from Die. It’s just a link with no accompanying message, and Kyo clicks without thinking about it—only to find that it’s another video from that same guy’s channel.</p>
<p class="p1">Blood rushes to Kyo’s dick as he stands in his bedroom in shock, watching the guy finger himself open, the camera creatively angled to get a good shot.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s a simple video, just him showing off his cute asshole to the camera, letting his viewers see how easily he accepts his own fingers. He’s talking all the while, how good it feels to be stuffed full, how he wants a big cock to slam into him, to have someone holding him down and fucking him into the mattress.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can’t decide what he wants more, to be the one fucking this stranger, or to get fucked just like he’s describing, but he jacks off desperately as he watches it, and cums hard and fast.</p>
<p class="p1">He supposes as he comes down from it that maybe there’s something enticing about seeing someone so built and masculine, so decidedly not a twink, getting fucked, even if only by his own hand. It doesn’t diminish his masculinity at all, and Kyo rather likes to see him take it.</p>
<p class="p1">The video is over and Kyo knows he should text Die back, at least to thank him for sending it. There’s also a troubling temptation to announce to Die exactly what he did while he watched it, how he’d only just gotten out of the shower, and been completely nude as he touched himself, how his cum had shot nearly all the way up to his bare chest.</p>
<p class="p1">It would be an entirely inappropriate disclosure, even if Die <em>did</em> just send him a link to porn, and luckily, Kyo has the sense to keep such details to himself, although Die does message him a moment later.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>Did u watch it?</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[K]: </b>
  <em>Yeah, I did. Thanks for thinking of me, hah.</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">He hopes it conveys the proper amount of humor, which is more than he actually feels about the situation.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>‘course, i’m always thinking of u :p</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo doesn’t know what to make of that. It feels like some game they’re playing again, and he vaguely wonders when things got like this between them.</p>
<p class="p1">He waits too long to respond and then Die texts him again.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>We should get together soon btw, finish our conversation</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[K]: </b>
  <em>This conversation?</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>No lol, about shinya</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo’s stomach drops. Why would Die want to dredge all that up again? Kyo’s been doing pretty well (all things considered) not obsessing over Shinya, what happened, the loss of that… What reason could Die have for not wanting to let it go?</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[K]: </b>
  <em>We don’t need to keep talking about that.</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">Die doesn’t try to press the matter, and they move on.</p>
<p class="p1">They do end up getting together though, not long after, just to have coffee and talk about some of their side projects. Shinya never seems to come up during the conversation.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s actually strange that he doesn’t. Kyo is sure there are a few overly long pauses where it would be natural to mention Shinya, his own side projects, and has to assume that Die is deliberately choosing to avoid the subject, out of respect for Kyo’s wishes.</p>
<p class="p1">That doesn’t sit quite right with Kyo. He doesn’t want it to always be this way now. He truly doesn’t have a real <em>problem</em> with Shinya, doesn’t feel <em>anger</em> towards him. The way things ended saddens him, but he doesn’t <em>blame</em> Shinya for it.</p>
<p class="p1">They’ve been talking more than an hour when Kyo feels the need to address this.</p>
<p class="p1">“Shinya isn’t some taboo, you know.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die raises an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what you mean.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m not so much of a wreck that I can’t bear to hear his name.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I never suggested you were.”</p>
<p class="p1">“You can’t make me believe you aren’t avoiding talking about him.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die chuckles then. “I got the impression when we were texting that you didn’t <em>want</em> to discuss anything Shinya-related. Is that wrong?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo hesitates. He knows he said that, but he thinks talking about Shinya in <em>general</em> is quite a different matter than talking about his feelings and everything that happened between them.</p>
<p class="p1">Die’s voice is patient as he asks, “Would you like to talk about Shinya or not?”</p>
<p class="p1">At first, Kyo really isn’t sure how he’s going to answer, and he surprises himself somewhat when he starts relating the story of their last night together.</p>
<p class="p1">Die seems less surprised. He listens without interrupting, lets Kyo gloss over the sections that feel too intimate to divulge. His coffee is long-finished, but he makes no move to stop Kyo from carrying on with his tale.</p>
<p class="p1">“It’s really not like anything <em>happened</em>,” Kyo tells him. “I had the feeling that the time had come to end it, and I’d been trying to ignore that feeling, but… some things you can’t ignore forever, you know?”</p>
<p class="p1">There’s a deep sadness in Die’s eyes as he nods. After a pause he asks, “How did he react when you told him?”</p>
<p class="p1">“He didn’t,” Kyo says with a shrug. “I think he never really got that I—for me, it was…” Kyo breaks off, unsure how to put it into words.</p>
<p class="p1">“Did you love him?” Die asks quietly.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo has to think about it, but he shakes his head. “I don’t think so. But… But I could have, if that makes any sense. If he’d wanted us to have that kind of relationship, I would have wanted it too. Maybe I did want it, even without him. I just… It was never going to happen.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo appreciates that there's nothing condescending in Die’s expression, just sympathy. And understanding, like he truly knows what Kyo is talking about.</p>
<p class="p1">“Anyway, it wasn't his fault,” Kyo says. “I think in the end he just didn’t understand me the way I wanted him to. We’re better off as friends, without the complicating layers.”</p>
<p class="p1">“It’s not your fault, either, you know,” Die says. “There’s no shame in wanting someone to take you seriously, in hoping that your affection will be returned.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo nods. Maybe Die has more wisdom on this subject than Kyo has really stopped to consider. He would never judge him for it, but he knows Die has a bit of a reputation for… well, he’s had his fair share of <em>relationships</em>, however brief. It could be that such history has granted him firsthand knowledge and experience of coping with the fallout.</p>
<p class="p1">When Kyo shifts the direction of the conversation once again, Die doesn’t resist him, and there’s something nice about knowing that if and when Kyo feels like picking that topic up again, Die will be willing to hear him out.</p>
<p class="p1">And so Kyo does bring it back up. Not that day, but at various points in the weeks that follow, never dwelling on it too long, but trying to communicate the frustration and loneliness with which the ordeal has left him. Talking about it helps more than Kyo expected, maybe more than he wants to acknowledge. He can’t tell if it’s just the act of releasing those feelings that helps, or if it’s Die himself.</p>
<p class="p1">Then, one night they’re over at Die’s place, having just finished the fourth episode in a row of that TV show Die’s been recommending for so long, and maybe the late hour has Kyo feeling more open than usual because he starts talking about an aspect of the Shinya thing that still bothers him, even when he’s done so much to recover.</p>
<p class="p1">“He couldn’t see me as being loyal,” he tells Die, Netflix paused in front of them so they could refill their drinks. “I never did anything to make him doubt me, as far as I know, but he still couldn’t imagine that I was able or willing to commit to him, or to anyone.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die leans against the opposite arm of the couch, his chin on his fist as he listens.</p>
<p class="p1">“I don’t know whether that’s just, what, him projecting his own inability to commit,” Kyo goes on, his eyes on a ring that he twists around his finger, “or if it’s something about <em>me</em>, that would make him believe I’m untrustworthy.” He tips his head back and looks at the ceiling of Die’s living room. “I’m not cut out for dating a lot of people, or even fooling around with them. I get attached. I want the comfort of someone who’s going to stick around, you know?”</p>
<p class="p1">“I know. I’ve always perceived you as strictly monogamous.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I get that that’s not for everyone,” Kyo says, suddenly worrying that he might offend Die if he’s of a different sensibility. “But it hurt for Shinya to assume I… wasn’t being honest with him, about my interest in other people. Or lack thereof.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die is quiet for a while, and when Kyo glances over, he’s just staring into space, a crease between his brows. At length he says, “I think he’s always been like that.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Like that? Distrustful, you mean?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Not exactly.” Die pauses, then sits up fully and sort of wraps his arms around himself. “Kyo, did… Did he ever mention to you, that he and I used to…?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo is sure his eyes go wide before he can school his expression. “You dated?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Not seriously,” Die says. “I think our situation was probably much like yours.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo flounders, lost for what to say. “I’m—I’m sorry, he never told me that…”</p>
<p class="p1">Die waves a dismissive hand. “It’s in the past, don’t worry. But, I mean… The only reason I bring it up is… He was the same then. I don’t think he’s trying to be hurtful, or that it’s anything you can read as a flaw within yourself. It’s a defense for him. If he refuses to let you get close, he can’t be hurt if it doesn’t work out somewhere down the line.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo tries to hear what Die is saying, can tell he’s right, but it’s a struggle to get past the newness of this information. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”</p>
<p class="p1">“I tried to,” Die says. “I wanted to tell you from the beginning, but I’m not really as comfortable with it as I guess you are. I feel better discussing it here in the comfort of my own home.” He rubs at one shoulder. “Plus, I could see you were… hurting. I didn’t want to make it about me. That wasn’t what you needed.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can’t say for sure whether it would have been helpful to know sooner that Die had been through something similar with Shinya, but he <em>does</em> know it’s been helpful to have Die there to listen the whole time, and he’s struck by Die’s incredible selflessness.</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m not trying to make it about me now, either,” Die says. “I just want you to know it’s not <em>you</em>. Shinya keeps people at a distance to protect himself, and it doesn’t matter how willing you are to give yourself to him, you can’t <em>make</em> him see that.”</p>
<p class="p1">There's something so regretful and sad in Die’s voice that Kyo can actually <em>feel</em> it. It’s his turn to ask, “You… were in love with him?”</p>
<p class="p1">The smile that crosses Die’s face is markedly different from his usual one. It’s small and wistful and gone before Kyo can take full stock of it. “It was so many years ago,” Die says, and looks away. “I guess… There are other things, other people… I’ve moved on. I wish he could have understood how I felt, but it’s not something I can hold onto. You don’t need to hold onto it either.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo nods, and wonders how he didn’t notice sooner that Die had gotten so wise.</p>
<p class="p1">Die offers to let Kyo stay the night, even says he can take the bed while Die himself sleeps on the couch, and it’s tempting, to not be alone, to know there’s someone else in the apartment, that Die’s cat would probably curl up at the foot of the bed, but he really doesn’t want to impose.</p>
<p class="p1">“You know you can always text me, if you need to, right?” Die says, as Kyo is getting his jacket on to leave.</p>
<p class="p1">“I know. Thanks.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Seriously. If you need to talk, or even if you just need more recs. Whatever it is.” He smiles knowingly, and Kyo can feel his own face flushing.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s the closest they’ve come to making any mention of their weird porn-sharing habit in real life, and Kyo almost wonders if he imagined Die saying it. It’s so hard to believe that the person sending him those links is the same friend giving him this sage advice about letting go of his feelings for Shinya. Some duality of man.</p>
<p class="p1">When Kyo goes home, he doesn’t text Die. He thinks he’d kind of like to, but he feels too guilty to ask for anything. Die has been so kind to him, so supportive and generous, and Kyo has been able to offer so little in return.</p>
<p class="p1">It shames him to think how he never noticed when, years ago, Die must have been going through his own pain dealt by Shinya. Kyo had probably been too wrapped up in himself to notice his bandmate’s suffering, and he hates that about himself.</p>
<p class="p1">He didn’t ask how or why things had ended between Die and Shinya back then and he can’t remember any point when he particularly noticed Die struggling, but maybe he really just hadn’t been paying attention.</p>
<p class="p1">Die is a better man than Kyo. He pays attention. Die saw that there was something going on with Kyo and he made himself available without putting any pressure on Kyo to share more than he wanted. Kyo can’t understand why he does it any more than he can think of a sufficient way to thank him.</p>
<p class="p1">One day, Kyo thinks, he’ll find some way to tell Die what his support during this time has meant to him, and he’ll buy him some nice, maybe expensive, gift, to show it with more than words. In the meantime, he’ll just keep enjoying the moments he’s able to spend with him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Kyo has spent more time at Die’s place in the past few weeks than he has in the twenty years prior combined, and strange as it is, it’s also started to feel… <em>normal</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">This is what having a real friend is like, Kyo muses as he’s sprawled on Die’s couch scrolling through his Twitter feed while Die messes around on his guitar beside him. They had been watching a movie until, as usual, they got distracted by something or another and had to pause it. Neither one of them being in any great hurry to finish the film, they’ve been taking this break, just sitting together, occupied with their own business for the better part of thirty minutes.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can’t complain. There’s something really nice about being able to share a space without being actively engaged with another person. Kyo’s always valued his alone time, but there’s something to be said for time with a friend as well.</p>
<p class="p1">The problem isn’t that Kyo doesn’t have any friends. Truthfully, he has a lot of friends, people he knows he should make time for, people to whom he has some responsibility. For the most part, they drain his energy, and for some reason he hasn’t spent a terribly long time pondering, Die doesn’t. It’s easy to sit with Die and watch a movie, or have a meaningful talk, or just do nothing.</p>
<p class="p1">“Oh, I like that minor one,” Kyo says, glancing over as Die plays a particularly nice chord progression on his guitar. “Is this something you’re fleshing out?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Thinkin' about it,” Die answers with a shrug, and plays the progression again, followed by a little riff based around it. “Still playing with a couple things.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Mm.” Kyo closes his eyes, just listening to Die’s playing for a while. It’s comfortable. He’s been listening to Die play guitar for half his life, and it makes the inside of his brain seem less chaotic just to hear it.</p>
<p class="p1">He can’t fully remember the first time he heard Die play. In that moment, he’d been distracted by a thousand other factors: his own performance with another band, the people bumping into him, some quality to the vocalist of Die’s band’s voice that he disliked. Once he met him properly, he’d been struck by Die’s appearance, the strength of the features, the quickness of his hands as he played, but he’d trusted his other fellow musicians to know more about the guitar-playing skill and compatibility that Die possessed.</p>
<p class="p1">They’ve all changed so much since then. Kyo could never have predicted that twenty-odd years down the road he would call that strong and serious guitarist one of his closest friends, that they’d laugh together over horror movies and mixed drinks and comfort one another over failed non-relationships with a mutual bandmate. Although he does still think Die’s appearance is rather striking.</p>
<p class="p1">Honestly, he thinks he looks a lot better now.</p>
<p class="p1">“Hey, are you falling asleep on me?” Die teases gently, pausing in his playing to nudge Kyo’s shoulder.</p>
<p class="p1">“Not sleeping,” Kyo says, but he doesn’t open his eyes. “Just comfy. Enjoying your playing.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die scoffs. “Like you don’t hear it all the time. Aren’t you sick of it by now?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Never."</p>
<p class="p1">Die’s quiet then, doesn’t resume his fiddling around, and Kyo cracks an eye open to see what’s stopping him, but he’s just looking down at his instrument.</p>
<p class="p1">“You okay?” he asks softly, because he knows he could ignore it, that he usually would, but he wants to be a better friend than that.</p>
<p class="p1">Die looks up at him, and his eyes take a second to focus before he smiles. “Yeah, I’m good. Just thinkin’ about this music. It still needs some work.” He sets his guitar off to the side. “You wanna finish the movie?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Sure,” Kyo says, leaving his phone facedown on the arm of the couch. “Been waiting a while to see what this ‘creature’ they’re all so scared of actually looks like.”</p>
<p class="p1">To Kyo’s disappointment, they never show the creature, and while he understands that from a psychological horror standpoint, he also thinks it’s kind of a copout.</p>
<p class="p1">He’s still complaining about it a few days later when the band is gathered at the studio for a rehearsal.</p>
<p class="p1">“I just feel like they were being inconsistent. They gave us less information because they wanted to change their mind about it later and not be held accountable.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die laughs. “You’re taking it pretty personally, don’t you think?”</p>
<p class="p1">“They probably just didn’t have it in the budget to make it as scary as they were claiming it was.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I dunno," Die says with a shrug. “I kind of think it’s scarier to not see it. Then I can imagine whatever is most frightening to me <em>personally</em>, can imagine that I could see this evil creature anywhere, it could take any form.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo makes a derisive noise. "That's what they <em>want</em> you to think. And it saves them money on special effects.”</p>
<p class="p1">“So <em>that’s</em> what you’re really upset about, not getting to see something admirably grotesque.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Obviously!”</p>
<p class="p1">“‘Admirably grotesque’?” Shinya repeats with a pinched look as he takes his seat at his drum set. “What is this, brainstorming for Kyo’s look at our next photoshoot?”</p>
<p class="p1">Die laughs, and Kyo means to join him, but instead finds himself scowling at his music stand. It’s goodnatured teasing, the same kind that the whole band has done to each other all these years, and Kyo hasn’t had any issues with being around Shinya, so…</p>
<p class="p1">It really doesn’t make any sense. Kyo can’t understand exactly what about it bothers him. He doesn’t think he’s <em>offended</em> by Shinya’s comment, but he doesn’t find it so funny today, and hearing Die laugh at it makes him feel <em>othered</em>, like an outsider, in a way that <em>itches</em>, has his shoulders tensing and his guard up.</p>
<p class="p1">Based on the abruptness with which Die’s laugher ends, Kyo is sure Die’s seen his reaction, and he turns away. He doesn’t want to put any awkwardness or guilt into the atmosphere when there’s no good reason for him to take it personally, anyway. His irritability takes a turn inward, frustration with himself for incorrectly handling a joke at his expense, and as rehearsal begins, the feeling doesn’t abate.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s a fairly standard rehearsal, nothing that should cause inordinate amounts of stress, but Kyo is impatient and cranky, and every delay or pause to fix a transition has him rolling his eyes or groaning aloud. He can tell that his bad mood is only stressing out the rest of the band, but it feels like it's out of his hands. He sits by his music stand, grumpily drinking from his water bottle while Kaoru talks to one of the sound technicians about some effect he wants on his guitar part. Kyo watches in the mirror, his sunglasses in place on his face so no one can tell he’s looking at them (glaring at them?).</p>
<p class="p1">Kaoru is sufficiently absorbed in his work, frowning as he explains the way the effect is not coming through properly. Toshiya looks antsy, his eyes darting around as if he can sense the bad vibes in the room, but isn’t sure where they’re coming from. Shinya’s expression is a little harder to read, but he’s staring into space, not at his phone, so Kyo can at least tell he’s not comfortable enough to be distracted.</p>
<p class="p1">Then there’s Die, looking—</p>
<p class="p1">at Kyo.</p>
<p class="p1">He’s not even being discreet, the way Kyo thinks he’s being himself; Die is just looking at Kyo with undisguised concern, his brows drawn together and his lips in a firm line.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo stares back, trying to decide what he’s thinking.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s unfortunately possible that he still feels bad for laughing at Shinya’s earlier quip, that he’s misinterpreted Kyo’s bad attitude as anger over that situation. Or maybe he’s just looking at Kyo and thinking he’s a dick, ‘cause he’s probably acting like one.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo lowers his sunglasses so he can catch Die's eye over the top of them, but Die doesn’t seem ashamed to be caught staring. He just raises his eyebrows in some question Kyo doesn’t fully comprehend, and a moment later the rehearsal has picked back up.</p>
<p class="p1">Nothing seems to make Kyo feel better. Even running through a few songs where he can release a shit-ton of emotion have no lasting cathartic effect, and he’s relieved when at long last they’re finished for the day.</p>
<p class="p1">Somewhere wrapped up in all the other negativity Kyo is still racked with pangs of guilt; Die is always cheerful when they’re rehearsing, excited and engaged, almost as he is when he's actually onstage, but today as he packs up his equipment he seems somber and serious, and Kyo can’t help but suspect it’s his fault, one way or another.</p>
<p class="p1">This suspicion is only strengthened when Die comes over to him, one hip cocked as he waits for Kyo to put away his own things.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo expects him to start off in the traditional way, and so rushes to beat him to the punch. “Everything okay?”</p>
<p class="p1">Die gives him a sad, dubious look. “I wouldn’t say so.”</p>
<p class="p1">“What’s the problem then?” Kyo can hear the bitterness in his own voice and he doesn’t mean for it to be there, truly, he’s just so wound up he feels like he’s going to start screaming, and the music that so often relieves his stress has only managed to work him up more.</p>
<p class="p1">“Well," Die says, looking away as he pushes his hair back. “We did have plans to watch the next few episodes of our show, but… if you’re not feeling up for it, it’s really fine, and if you don’t want to talk about what’s irritating you…”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo stops dead. He completely forgot that he made plans with Die, and now he's acting so moody and awful that Die probably <em>wants</em> to cancel.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo doesn’t want to cancel, though. Even if his hangouts with Die have become a bit more commonplace, he always enjoys them, and has to think some time decompressing with him might actually make him feel better. It’s selfish of him, but he tends to feel more at ease when he’s just chilling on Die’s couch.</p>
<p class="p1">“I don’t—” Kyo says and stops. “I’m not sure I can explain exactly what’s bothering me. It feels like a lot of things all at once, and like nothing of any real importance. But I can understand if you’d rather not be around me when I’m like this.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die is quiet for a few seconds, then cracks half a smile. “It’s not all that different from what you’re usually like, to be honest.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo tries to be scandalized by the insult, but ends up laughing. “Tell me how you really feel, asshole!”</p>
<p class="p1">Die is laughing, too, and they head out to his car.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s already easier to breathe, but there’s no instant magic cure for how Kyo is feeling, and even once they reach Die’s apartment, he’s on-edge, like his skin is too tight, his emotions too near the surface.</p>
<p class="p1">When he tries to describe the feeling to Die, he hums thoughtfully. “Maybe you’re gonna have one of those aliens claw its way out of your chest,” he suggests, “or you might shed your skin like a snake.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo gives him a look. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”</p>
<p class="p1">Die grins. "Just saying, it’d be pretty badass.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo shakes his head, leans back against the couch. “I’m afraid mine is not that kind of story. Sorry to disappoint.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die shifts on the couch next to him, and Kyo can see he’s leaning back too, out of the corner of his eye. “So, should I take this to mean you don’t feel like watching something?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo winces. He knows it’s terrible of him to come over to Die’s home only to refuse to participate in the planned activities, but he can’t even picture sitting still and being patient through an episode of a TV show.</p>
<p class="p1">Truth be told, there are very few things Kyo <em>can</em> picture himself doing at the moment, and maybe placing himself in the company of someone else was a bad idea. “Maybe I should go.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die looks over in alarm. “Already? Why?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo shrugs one shoulder. “I’m no fun to be around right now, I’m fucking up our plans. I’m really sorry, I just don’t feel like—”</p>
<p class="p1">“Don’t worry about that," Die says. He moves closer, so Kyo can feel the warmth coming from him, though he’s still not really looking in his direction. “If you’re not feeling Netflix tonight, we don’t have to do that. but you’re clearly hurting about something, so I’m not just gonna throw you out and send you home to brood alone. We can do something else, whatever you feel like. What do you want to do?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo’s eyes close as he thinks about it. What does he want to do? It’s so hard to think of anything that wouldn’t irritate him further. He just wants some kind of <em>release</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">His hips roll without his conscious effort, and Kyo hopes that Die isn’t looking at him, isn’t paying enough attention to notice the blush rising on his cheeks. He’s paused too long, Die’s bound to notice <em>something.</em></p>
<p class="p1">“Listen,” Die says, his voice hesitant and awkward, “if you’re still upset about earlier, what Shinya said—I’m really sorry about that, I shouldn’t have laughed, it was—”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo finally looks at him in confusion. “What?” Die opens his mouth to go on, but Kyo stops him. “No, I mean, no, that’s not… I guess it did bother me. But I was already tense. Any little thing could have set me off, but I’m not pissed at you. I wouldn’t be here if I was.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die is still sitting so close to him that Kyo can smell his cologne; it’s something subtle and clean, and Kyo inhales deeper without meaning to. He’s immediately shocked by his own overt horniness, and tries to rein it the fuck in.</p>
<p class="p1">“Then, is there anything you’d want to do, anything that would help you feel better?” Die offers again, like it would really mean something to him to improve Kyo’s condition.</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m just..." Kyo trails off, chews his lip. Maybe he can tell Die the truth about how he’s feeling but play it off as a joke, so things don’t get uncomfortable. He looks off, rubbing at the back of his neck, and with a faltering sort of laugh, he says, “I kinda think I just need to get off.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die doesn’t answer, and the time in which Kyo could successfully play it off as a joke passes quickly and painfully.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo is already planning his escape route when Die finally speaks up, “If… if you need to, yeah, go ahead. I can leave the room to give you some privacy.”</p>
<p class="p1">God, Kyo is an idiot. He scrambles to protest, “No, I was—that’s not necessary. I can just take care of it when I get home, honestly, please.”</p>
<p class="p1">“No, it’s not a big deal,” Die says in a way that makes Kyo almost believe him. “You should just do it, it’ll probably make you feel <em>loads</em> better.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo squints at him, trying to decide if that terrible, dirty pun was intentional.</p>
<p class="p1">“Here, actually,” Die says, pulling out his phone. “Our favorite camboy has a new video out.”</p>
<p class="p1"><em>Our favorite camboy</em>. Kyo fights back a shiver at the words, the implication that their pornographic tastes are so aligned that they’ve <em>agreed</em> upon one favorite out of many.</p>
<p class="p1">He’s too distracted with these thoughts to stop Die from pulling said new video up on his phone and propping the device up on the coffee table directly in front of Kyo.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s something Kyo seems to have no control over, his arousal surging up almost the instant the video starts; he’s been conditioned to see the camboy and know that his orgasm isn’t too far off, and all he can do is bite down on his lip to keep from moaning as the guy in the video slides his hand into his underwear to start fondling himself.</p>
<p class="p1">“I—um.” Die pauses, and Kyo can't believe he’s still just fucking <em>sitting</em> there, hasn’t even moved any farther away on the couch. “I’ve kinda been wanting to watch it, too. Would you be cool with me staying? Just to watch. The video.”</p>
<p class="p1">There’s no way any of this is happening. Kyo’s brain is working desperately, trying to find some reason, some <em>excuse</em> for this obvious break from reality, but Die is still looking at him <em>patiently</em>, awaiting Kyo’s consent to his continued presence.</p>
<p class="p1">Of course, Kyo should say no, should probably go <em>home</em>, or at the very least, excuse himself to the restroom to take care of his problem, but he’s nodding his head as if it’s been hacked by an outside force, and it only takes seconds before it’s too late to turn back.</p>
<p class="p1">He looks back at the screen, homes his attention in on the way the camboy’s hand is moving inside his briefs, as if he can ignore the fact that Die is there beside him, watching too.</p>
<p class="p1">Maybe it’s not that strange, for a couple of friends to watch some porn together. It’s not as if there’s any feelings between them to make it uncomfortable, and not as though they’re going to get <em>involved</em> in one another’s release. They’ll just pretend they’re alone, find their own satisfaction, and pay the other no mind. It doesn’t have to be some kind of <em>incident</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">Such a line of reasoning must be what allows Kyo to unfasten his belt, unable as he is to fight how his cock is responding to the video—in spite of other circumstances.</p>
<p class="p1"><em>In spite of</em>. Definitely not <em>because</em> of.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s always a pleasure to watch this guy’s videos, and this one is no different; Kyo watches hungrily as the camboy flexes, his muscles rippling, and turns to show his backside off to the camera. Kyo hopes he’ll get a couple fingers inside himself again, since that’s always so damn hot, and then an uninvited thought crosses his mind:</p>
<p class="p1">Is that what Die would like to see, too? What’s Die’s favorite thing to watch in these videos? Is he hard from what he’s seen so far?</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo resists the temptation to look, because he has to. He has to just pretend Die’s not there at all, or the whole thing will get weird. It’s not weird yet.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo’s hand is around his own cock, jerking himself off at a leisurely pace, and it’s not weird because he can almost forget just how close to him Die is sitting—until Die <em>moans</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">It takes all the willpower left in Kyo’s reserves to keep from looking over, from trying to find what caused the sound, so deep and needy and painfully sexy.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo takes a steadying breath. He’s only thinking that way because of what he’s watching. Die isn’t sexy. Or, objectively, he obviously is, but not in a way that Kyo can be thinking about as he touches himself.</p>
<p class="p1">Even if Die is presumably touching himself, too.</p>
<p class="p1">No, he definitely is. Kyo may not be looking at him, but there’s no mistaking the sounds of his activities. Die’s breathing is labored, there’s the slick, rapid sort of sound of his hand flying over his cock, intercut with the soft repetitive thud of his hand hitting his denim jeans with every downward movement. Kyo can see it in his mind’s eye all too clearly.</p>
<p class="p1">A strangled sound escapes Kyo before he can realize he’s close to making it, and then, if he’s honest, he’s not really watching the video anymore. His eyes are on it, but he’s not seeing it, not thinking about it. He’s 100% distracted, thinking about how Die is moving his hand over his own cock, wondering how much pre-cum he’s producing, if he’s all flushed and ruddy at the tip at this very moment.</p>
<p class="p1">He goes a step further, lets himself imagine sliding off the couch, shouldering his way between Die’s knees, looking up at him from the floor. Would Die push him away, or would he let him lean in, get a taste?</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo’s head falls back. He’s right on the edge, and he can’t pretend it’s the camboy’s doing this time. But since he still can’t bring himself to glance over at Die, he keeps his eyes shut tight, and stifles a groan by biting his lip hard enough to draw blood.</p>
<p class="p1">He’s not expecting it when Die’s voice, raspy with sex, asks, “You close?”</p>
<p class="p1">What can Kyo do? He doesn’t understand why Die would care, why he would ask such a thing, but he answers all the same, “Fuck, yeah.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Me, too.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo wants to deny a thousand times over that that’s what pushes him over the brink, but mere seconds alter, his hips buck up from the couch and his cum is spilling over his fingers. The guy in the video hasn’t even found his own end yet, and Kyo is already trembling through the last gentle waves of his orgasm.</p>
<p class="p1">Before he can get around to being properly embarrassed by that, there’s a groan from beside him, and Kyo is so startled by the sound that, this time, he does look, and is met with the sight of Die, lips parted, head thrown back, losing himself all over his flat stomach, where his shirt is rucked up.</p>
<p class="p1">A breath stutters out of Kyo and his cock gives a feeble twitch. He shouldn’t have seen that, and now he’s sure the image will never fully leave his mind. Goddammit.</p>
<p class="p1">The video is still playing, but as Kyo and Die catch their breath, the full reality of what’s just happened hits, and Kyo goes quickly into panic mode.</p>
<p class="p1">What has he done? That wasn’t supposed to happen. It was all so far out of the bounds of a good and normal friendship, which is what he’s been building with Die up until now. What was he <em>thinking</em>?</p>
<p class="p1">The need to escape the situation overwhelms him, and Kyo stands, doing up his pants before Die is really lucid enough to try and <em>talk</em> about it.</p>
<p class="p1">“I, uh, I just remembered, I’ve gotta get going,” Kyo says, aware that it sounds exactly like the bullshit it is.</p>
<p class="p1">Die looks blearily at him. “Kyo…? Are you—?”</p>
<p class="p1">“I just need to get home,” Kyo says firmly. “I—Thank you, for… Helping me out.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Let me call you a cab or something,” Die says as he pushes himself up from the couch.</p>
<p class="p1">“I can manage,” Kyo insists. “I’ll see you around soon.” He’s already backing towards the door, and he has his shoes on before Die even gets his dick put away.</p>
<p class="p1">“Text to let me know you got home all right?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Sure thing,” Kyo says, smiles, and then he’s out the door.</p>
<p class="p1">He doesn’t text Die when he gets home, or at all, for the next week.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Everyone watching the livestreams this week? New single??<br/>(I'm pretty frickin' stoked about it, I can't wait for the full version, what does everyone else think??)<br/>(this fic and all my fics exist in a beautiful covid-less AU where they can still do live performances...&lt;3)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">It’s no surprise to Kyo that he’s managed to fuck another thing up. If anything, it’s kind of a wonder that he didn’t do it sooner.</p>
<p class="p1">That doesn’t really make it suck any less, though.</p>
<p class="p1">He's just been opening up and getting used to the idea of Die being his friend, and then he had to go and make it weird between them. He can’t even tell how exactly he let it happen. The whole thing is a blur. He just knows that whatever easy, friendly dynamic he and Die had has been destroyed by that—<em>fluke</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">And he’s sure Die knows it, too. He hasn’t heard from him at all since leaving his place so abruptly over a week ago, when before they’d gotten to where they were texting just about every day. He must have made Die so uncomfortable that he doesn’t even want to speak to him.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s stupid, too, because Kyo knows it wasn’t even <em>worth</em> it! His stupid pent-up body and horny brain have wrecked the bond he’d been cultivating with Die, and it’s not even like he got something great out of it. He didn’t even fuck it up by actually <em>sleeping</em> with Die, just by jerking off next to him, like some kind of pervert. And yeah, sure, Kyo’s been thinking about it on a pretty much hourly basis—hearing Die’s voice in his head, picturing the look on his face as he came—but those memories aren’t worth the loss of the entire friendship.</p>
<p class="p1">Despite how busy Kyo keeps himself, it's not enough to distract him from these thoughts. He thinks constantly, how he might be able to apologize, what he could do to repair things, how he could possibly explain his inappropriate behavior.</p>
<p class="p1">There’s no good excuse. He circles back sometimes to wondering if they could just be okay anyway. Maybe it’s not unheard-of for a couple of bros to jerk off together, side by side. It’s not like they were <em>watching</em> each other, or <em>touching</em> each other. Then again, neither of them is straight, and they <em>were</em> watching porn together.</p>
<p class="p1">No, there’s no talking his way out of it. His mistake can’t be justified, and he has to accept the consequences, no matter how painful.</p>
<p class="p1">Still, Kyo can’t think how to <em>begin</em> to come back from it. Is it better to give Die space, or should he be reaching out, trying to make amends before it’s too late? How late is too late? Is it too late already?</p>
<p class="p1">It’s strange to find just how accustomed he’s gotten to Die’s regular text messages and casual hangouts. The world seems quieter without some ongoing conversation, and he’s never going to get caught up on Die’s recommended Netflix show at this rate. He supposes he could continue watching it on his own, but he’s sure he won’t. That’s something tied into his friendship with Die, and it would be the same watching it without him.</p>
<p class="p1">He would like to watch the show with Die. He’d like to do a lot of things with him.</p>
<p class="p1">Seeing him has to come first, though, and probably talking to him, which sounds so terrifying and difficult that Kyo briefly fantasizes about fleeing the country, but in the end he can’t avoid it forever. He’s only managed this long because the band members were doing some of their rehearsing independently. With a live coming up on the weekend, they’re forced to see each other at rehearsal before Kyo’s worked out what to say.</p>
<p class="p1">He hopes it’s his imagination how Die seems to be avoiding eye contact with him. Surely he can’t be thinking about…? Maybe he’s not, maybe not <em>vividly</em>, but Kyo thinks he catches him blushing here and there, and thinks it must be the memory of their last meeting that has him so uncomfortable.</p>
<p class="p1">No one else at rehearsal seems to notice the tension in the atmosphere this time, and Kyo is grateful for that small blessing, but he doesn’t want to call their attention to it either, by trying to approach Die for that much-needed talk.</p>
<p class="p1">Overall, the practice goes better than the last one they had as a group. Kyo still has a lot on his mind, but he tends to manage better when he can internalize his loathing and doubt, direct it solely towards himself. Since he wholeheartedly blames himself for fucking things up with Die, the issue doesn’t really get in the way of his work, and the consensus as they wrap up for the day seems to be that they’re in perfect shape for Friday’s performance.</p>
<p class="p1">Even when rehearsal ends, Kyo doesn’t have the nerve to approach Die. He lets him walk out first, stalls by talking briefly to Toshiya, hardly even aware of the subject of his half-assed chitchat, and makes for the elevator only when he’s sure he’s left Die enough time to be long gone, well ahead of him.</p>
<p class="p1">Only somehow he still doesn’t leave him quite enough time, because Die is just stepping onto the elevator when Kyo reaches it, and waiting for the next one would be a blatantly disrespectful show of avoidance. Kyo can’t bring himself to do it, and so the next thing he knows, it’s the two of them alone in the elevator and the machinery is deafeningly loud and numbingly silent all at once.</p>
<p class="p1">To Kyo’s immense surprise, it’s Die who breaks the tension, saying, “I understand if you hate me, but please know, I am <em>so</em> sorry for—for crossing that—<em>boundary</em>, and for making everything—I don’t know what I was thinking and I wish I could take it back.”</p>
<p class="p1">It catches Kyo so off-guard that he can’t respond properly, and only manages, “You want to take it back?”</p>
<p class="p1">Die pauses, his brow furrowing, then, “I mean—I just didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. And I know you’ve been… We haven’t talked.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I thought I made <em>you</em> uncomfortable.”</p>
<p class="p1">“No!” Die says quickly, and looks embarrassed. “No, I—<em>I</em> was the one who… I thought you must have felt weird.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Only because I thought you felt weird,” Kyo says, which isn’t absolutely true, but it’s close enough to what he’s been struggling with all week.</p>
<p class="p1">Die laughs then, but it’s a shade more awkward and less genuine than the one Kyo is used to hearing. “So… So we’re okay then?”</p>
<p class="p1">There’s something weird going on here, and Kyo doesn’t know what it is. He thinks maybe he ought to say no, there are still things they need to talk about, that this <em>incident</em> may have brought to the surface some type of feelings for Die that Kyo hasn’t yet processed—but Die is offering to let it all go, offering to return his friendship to its former status, before the weirdness, and Kyo can’t turn that down.</p>
<p class="p1">“Yeah, we’re fine.”</p>
<p class="p1">And in a way they are fine. They go back to texting regularly, make plans to get together and watch Netflix after the live on Friday, but it feels like something has shifted between them.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo doesn’t dare bring it up. Maybe it’s all in his head anyway, and from Die’s perspective it doesn’t seem like anything’s changed. But at the very least he’s not sending Kyo any links to porn videos anymore.</p>
<p class="p1">That’s not a great loss. If Kyo needs porn, obviously he’s grown enough to find it himself, but he can’t help but see the fact that Die’s stopped sharing the links as proof that he, too, feels some lingering discomfort with regard to what happened between them.</p>
<p class="p1">Letting it go and moving forward would be infinitely preferable. There’s nothing to be <em>said</em>, and as Kyo has discovered, he doesn’t <em>want</em> his and Die’s dynamic to change, but he’s aware of things now that he wasn’t before.</p>
<p class="p1">He knows how Die sounds when he’s close to orgasm, knows what his dick looks like when it’s hard. They’re in the dressing room before the live, and Kyo is sure he’s never thought twice about Die changing there in the room with him, but now he can’t help but sneak some lecherous glance out of the corner of his eye, like a complete creep. As Die does a few vocal warmups it’s impossible to stop Kyo’s mind from calling up the memory of Die’s breathy groans and sighs as he had pleasured himself less than a meter from Kyo’s person.</p>
<p class="p1">It isn’t supposed to matter, or to bother him, but Kyo is aware now just <em>how</em> attractive Die actually is, and what’s more, how attracted <em>to</em> him <em>Kyo</em> is. There’s no denying it when he can’t stop fixating on how much thigh Die is showing, or on the flawless way his hair falls around his shoulders.</p>
<p class="p1">He thinks these are the kind of things he used to notice about Shinya, and hates himself for being predictable. It’s been months and he’s “moved on,” but it’s just the same bullshit with a different bandmate, and he should know better than to fall into that again. It’s not what he ever wanted with Die. He was satisfied with their friendship. He can <em>stay</em> satisfied with it.</p>
<p class="p1">Once the performance actually starts, Kyo is able to put the matter out of his mind. He’s always gone into a special kind of mental/emotional space when he’s in front of an audience, and it doesn’t exist in quite the same plane of reality as the world offstage. Nothing exists between him and the crowd; he’s a conduit for the music they’re sharing. He feels their energy and bounces it back to them with no interference.</p>
<p class="p1">That is, until halfway through the encore, when Die comes to stand beside him, braces one foot up on Kyo's box next to his own, so close they're almost touching. The crowd is screaming, and Die is smiling, that broad, easy smile that's so fucking beautiful, and Kyo can’t understand how he never noticed it before. When he glances down, Die's thigh is <em>there</em>, so long and pale, and without even thinking, Kyo has his hand on it, fingers splayed like he has some <em>right</em> to that smooth, bared skin.</p>
<p class="p1">There are clearly some connectivity issues with Kyo's brain at the moment, and it's a wonder that he's even managed to go on singing, especially when the audience is being so unbelievably loud. He thinks Die is laughing next to him, and he starts laughing, too, and then all at once, Die is gone, moving away to rub shoulders with Toshiya as they play at one side of the stage.</p>
<p class="p1">It takes everything in Kyo not to watch him go.</p>
<p class="p1">This isn’t normal. It isn't like Kyo to be distracted during a live, not like this, and it really kind of freaks him out. Where is all this coming from? Has Die noticed the bizarre effect he’s having on him? Has anyone else?</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo is only too relieved when they finish their last song and he can make his exit. He needs to get his head on straight, especially if he means to hang out with Die and watch Netflix after this.</p>
<p class="p1">Briefly, he considers backing out of their plans. He could say he’s exhausted after performing, and Die would never call him out for being antisocial. But it isn’t that Kyo doesn’t want to spend that time with Die, he just doesn’t want to make the time spent <em>weird</em>, and he’s starting to fear that there’s no alternative.</p>
<p class="p1">Die is all smiles as he comes swaggering into the dressing room with the rest of the band. “Did you see that one pick I threw, that bounced off that girl’s head?” he’s saying to Toshiya. “I felt so bad, she was looking around everywhere for it!”</p>
<p class="p1">Toshiya laughs. “No, that sucks! Poor girl. She didn’t find it?”</p>
<p class="p1">Die shakes his head. “The people standing behind her dove for it. At least she has the memory though, right?”</p>
<p class="p1">Toshiya makes a kind of dubious noise and they both busy themselves with getting their makeup off and their stage clothes into the laundry basket in the middle of the dressing room.</p>
<p class="p1">“We’re still on to hang out, yeah?” Die asks, sidling close enough to Kyo to keep his voice low. “I keep thinking you’ll really like the next episode.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo nods numbly. Die is thinking about it. He’s excited. Kyo can’t be the asshole and let him down for no good reason whatsoever.</p>
<p class="p1">“What’re you two whispering about over there?” Toshiya calls. “Planning more fan service for the next live, or what?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo knows his cheeks are turning red before he can formulate a response. “What’s—Shut up.”</p>
<p class="p1"><em>Shit</em>, that wasn’t the right thing to say, but he can’t take it back.</p>
<p class="p1">“Would you believe that was all unscripted?” Die says, because of course the situation doesn’t embarrass <em>him</em>, and Kyo realizes Die probably does assume Kyo put his hand on his thigh for a fan reaction. Kyo almost wants to believe that, too, that on some subconscious level, he knew he was feeling Die up just to please the audience.</p>
<p class="p1">Though he knows in reality he did it because he <em>wanted</em> to.</p>
<p class="p1">“Doesn’t surprise me in the least,” Shinya says, since apparently he’s in the room and listening, “Kyo’s always had a knack for improv.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo thinks he has to be making fun of him. Everyone knows how much Kyo hates being put on the spot. But does that mean Shinya <em>suspects</em> his attraction to Die, and is trying to shame him for it? That’s not really his style, is it?</p>
<p class="p1">A moment later the conversation has moved on, but Kyo is still overthinking it, wondering if everything he does is giving himself away. Has he been lingering too long when he looks at Die, laughing too openly at his jokes? For how long? Was he broadcasting the fact that he’s into Die before he even came to terms with it himself?</p>
<p class="p1">Die, meanwhile, is as unperturbed as ever, and plants his hand solidly on Kyo’s shoulder as he asks if he’s ready to take off.</p>
<p class="p1">They bid the others goodnight, and it’s not such a very long journey back to Die’s place. They pass the brief time in conversation about the live. It doesn’t feel forced, even if Kyo is painfully aware that there are things he’s not saying. He just wonders if Die’s aware of them, too.</p>
<p class="p1">Sitting back on Die’s couch is a little strange. Kyo remembers all too well what happened the last time he was there, in that exact same spot. Is Die thinking about it, too? Does he remember even when he sits there alone?</p>
<p class="p1">Die turns on Netflix, and Kyo finds himself distracted, not just by his own thoughts, but by Die’s just <em>being there</em>. He keeps look at at him out of the corner of his eye, watching him almost as much as he’s watching the TV screen.</p>
<p class="p1">Half an hour in he realizes Die’s picked up on his divided attention.</p>
<p class="p1">“What?” Kyo asks, as if he’s not the one who’s behaving improperly. “What’s that look about?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Something’s bothering you,” Die states. “We don’t have to finish the episode.”</p>
<p class="p1">“The episode is fine.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Then.” Die pauses, like the words are there, but not coming out. “It’s—It’s me, isn’t it? I’m making you uncomfortable just being around you. Shit.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo shakes his head firmly. “<em>You</em> are not making me uncomfortable. I’m just in my head.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die doesn’t look like he buys that, but maybe he’s too polite to argue.</p>
<p class="p1">Taking a deep breath, Kyo decides to share a small fraction of his truth. “You were… pretty fantastic in the live tonight.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die studies him, and instantly Kyo is sure he’s said the wrong thing. Die’s not stupid, and he can probably follow Kyo’s train of thought back easily enough. After a moment he says, “Are you feeling weird about the fan service moment?”</p>
<p class="p1">“It <em>wasn’t</em>—” Kyo snaps his mouth closed but he’s already said too much.</p>
<p class="p1">Eyebrows raised, Die leans towards him just a tiny bit. “It wasn’t—what? Fan service?”</p>
<p class="p1">“No, that’s—that isn’t what I meant,” Kyo says.</p>
<p class="p1">Die ignores his protests. “What was it then?”</p>
<p class="p1">“It just—It wasn’t for them,” Kyo says. “It just felt right in the moment.” Maybe it’s too honest, but he hasn’t said anything about how beautiful Die is, or about his damn <em>thighs</em>, so Kyo counts it as a win.</p>
<p class="p1">Die actually laughs. “Sasuga Kyo. Getting so caught up in the performance.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I guess so.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Then did the other members’ comments piss you off?” Die asks. “I know you can be kind of sensitive about stuff Shinya says, but I really don’t think he means anything…”</p>
<p class="p1">“No, I know,” Kyo says. “Shinya… I don’t care. I mean, I care <em>about</em> him, but he doesn’t—I’m not upset about him anymore. I think all it is is, you know, lives take a lot out of me sometimes.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Would you rather just go home and be alone for tonight?”</p>
<p class="p1">It’s not what Kyo wants. Not what he wants to want. Really, he would like to be there with Die; it’s just that he’s consumed with all kinds of wrong thoughts about how he would like for them to spend that time together.</p>
<p class="p1">How might those long, pretty thighs feel, wrapped around his waist, or his <em>head</em>? How would Die’s mouth feel against Kyo’s own?</p>
<p class="p1">“Yeah, I think that would be best,” Kyo says before his mind can go any further with such a perilous fantasy. He gets up, feeling guilty for walking out on Die like this twice in a row. “Let’s make it up soon. Sometime when I’m not so drained.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I’d like that, yeah,” Die agrees.</p>
<p class="p1">It doesn’t take long for Kyo to see himself out, or to get home, especially not when he’s distracted with thoughts of Die the entire time. Unfortunately the thoughts of Die come with a heavy helping of self-loathing. He hates that he can’t just have a good friendship and have that be enough. Developing feelings for Die is such a typical act of self-sabotage that he can’t even say he’s surprised.</p>
<p class="p1">He can’t say he’s disappointed, either.</p>
<p class="p1">It hurts, but the feelings he has for Die are more and more all the time, weighing him down and lifting him up, forcing his walls up and then breaking him open. There’s a joy even in the way his heart aches, so full it could burst—even as it’s conspicuously missing some Die-shaped piece.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo has never had much luck, keeping a friendship with someone once feelings become more complicated, but he’s determined to not let Die go that easily. He has to just be bigger than that.</p>
<p class="p1">For this reason, he goes to grab his phone as he’s getting ready for bed, so he can text Die that he got home all right, as he <em>didn’t</em> do last time Die asked him to.</p>
<p class="p1">Somehow he doesn’t expect to find that Die has already messaged him, with a link.</p>
<p class="p1">
  <b>[D]: </b>
  <em>Hope this helps… I know how you can get after a live ;)</em>
</p>
<p class="p1">And of course it’s porn.</p>
<p class="p1">Of <em>course</em> it is, predictably. A video of that camboy—<em>their favorite</em>—that Kyo has never seen. He wants to swear off this habit altogether, to exit out of the video, maybe even delete the message. Instead he watches the whole thing and has his hand in his pants in a matter of minutes.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. Shouldn’t he have more self-control than this? It’s such dangerous territory, and Die should know better than to send him this kind of thing when they found themselves in such an awkward situation last time.</p>
<p class="p1">But that’s the whole problem; Die<em> does</em> know. He’s not wrong about Kyo being pent up after a performance, and as embarrassing as it is to acknowledge that awareness, Kyo is also kind of excited by it.</p>
<p class="p1">He’s thinking of Die more than of the video when he cums in his boxers, and although he’s getting used to that by now, it doesn’t really make it feel any less shameful, and he hopes he can get away with never telling Die he watched the video at all.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s hard to fathom why Die would still be sending him things like that. Didn’t he notice how awkward it was when they let porn into their social time together? Or does Die just not value their friendship in the same way that Kyo does?</p>
<p class="p1">There’s no hope of keeping Die off his mind. Kyo is still thinking of Die’s thigh under his palm, of Die’s voice gone all low and hoarse in the throes of arousal. He wants to know how his own name sounds in that voice, and he knows he’s in a heap of trouble if he’s thinking that way.</p>
<p class="p1">For the briefest few minutes, as Kyo is lying in his bed, decidedly <em>not</em> sleeping, he lets himself imagine pursuing it, lets himself fantasize about Die’s hand in his, Die’s head resting on his chest as they lie in bed together. It feels so <em>right</em>, that Kyo’s heart physically aches with the knowledge that he won’t ever have it.</p>
<p class="p1">Even if Die had ever given any kind of indication that he’d like such a relationship (which he hasn’t), hasn’t Kyo learned his lesson about getting involved with a bandmate? Hasn’t Die probably learned his as well?</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo wouldn’t be happy having casual sex with Die. He wouldn’t give up what they have now in exchange for it, no matter how promising the pleasure seems. Kyo knows well enough by now that what he wants is commitment, a lover who’s engaged and present, and who recognizes that Kyo is, too. He needs someone to take it seriously.</p>
<p class="p1">A history of sharing pornography is no suggestion of that kind of commitment, and Kyo can’t fall into the pattern he had with Shinya again. He’ll need to ask Die to stop sending him those links. But as his eyelids grow heavy, Kyo figures that’s a conversation that can at least wait until morning.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>One week till the new single! I hope everyone is staying healthy and okay!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">It probably goes without saying that Kyo does not bring up the issue.</p><p class="p1">He tells himself he’ll cross that bridge when he comes to it, he’ll address the problem when it’s relevant. And as long as it isn’t relevant, Kyo certainly is not going to contaminate another conversation with it.</p><p class="p1">It doesn’t really come up, though. The band starts their domestic tour, spends a shitload of time together, and Die just acts normal, never says a word about the porn stuff or anything else untoward. Kyo can almost imagine the whole thing has been in his mind, that he dreamed it, but he believes in himself too much for that.</p><p class="p1">Still, he’s grateful for it, or he tries to be. Despite the strangeness that has gone on between them, Die is still one of Kyo’s favorite people to spend time with, and the fact that things aren’t strained or awkward when they’re together is surely something to celebrate.</p><p class="p1">That it doesn’t make Kyo feel any better is just some shortcoming of his own.</p><p class="p1">As tours go, this one isn’t especially remarkable. When he’s onstage, Kyo feels happy, but the crash from that high tends to come pretty fast, and Kyo does what he can to ensure he’s alone when that happens.</p><p class="p1">It can’t always work out that way.</p><p class="p1">They’re back in Tokyo when Kyo’s bad mood hits while he’s still in the dressing room at the venue. He’s dimly aware, as he often is, that there’s no real reason for him to be upset; everyone is looking forward to heading home, sleeping in their own beds before they have to head south for the next leg of the tour the following week, and there were no problems to speak of during the live itself. Even so, Kyo feels the self-loathing hit like a sudden storm, debilitating and consuming.</p><p class="p1">It’s absolutely nothing, but in his mind it’s a lot of things. He can’t find his own self-worth; he knows he should be doing more; he doesn’t know why he bothers at all when it all seems so pointless. In the wrong light, everything he does seems like such a charade, a joke. It’s meaningless, and everyone besides him can see that, has surely known it all along.</p><p class="p1">There’s not much Kyo can do when thoughts like these overtake him.</p><p class="p1">He has his head in his hands, barely clinging to any thread that can hold him together when a voice cuts through the blood rushing in his ears.</p><p class="p1">“Kyo? Are you feeling okay?”</p><p class="p1">Die. Once again, Kyo hadn’t even realized there was anyone else in the room, and now Die is there witnessing his pointless, embarrassing little breakdown.</p><p class="p1">Kyo doesn’t answer. He kind of hopes that he’s just imagining Die’s voice, that if he ignores it, it will go away and he won’t have to endure that <em>pitying</em> look from his friend.</p><p class="p1">“If… you would rather be alone, I completely understand,” Die says, his voice a bit closer than it was a moment ago. “But if there’s anything I can do… Will you let me drive you home at least?”</p><p class="p1">Kyo is determined to just stay quiet. If he says nothing, Die will accept that he wants to be left alone, and he can suffer the torment of his own mind in privacy.</p><p class="p1">He can hear as Die moves back to his own side of the dressing room, the zipping of his bag. “If you need anything, I’m always just a text away,” Die says softly. His footsteps sound again, moving towards the door.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Wait</em>,” Kyo says without meaning to. He doesn’t lift his head. “Don’t… Don’t go, yet.”</p><p class="p1">Die’s voice is patient as he says, “What do you need?”</p><p class="p1">“I think… Would you drive me home, please?” Kyo can hardly believe his own request, but he trusts his instincts at least somewhat, and he knows he’ll feel better with Die than he would alone.</p><p class="p1">“Of course.” Die waits for him to collect himself and his belongings, and they head out.</p><p class="p1">Generous as ever, Die is the first to speak with anyone they encounter on their way to the exit. He’s polite and friendly, but doesn’t draw out any interaction, nor does he draw any attention to Kyo, or put him on the spot for even a moment.</p><p class="p1">Kyo is fighting back tears by the time they reach Die’s car, his throat tight, and he can’t really tell if it’s the crash he was feeling before, or if it’s just his gratitude for Die’s kindness, which he’s done nothing to deserve.</p><p class="p1">“So,” Die says as they start driving, “did you notice when I totally biffed the intro to Aka out there? I mean, I assume you did and that’s why you’re upset now. I’m not so far from bursting into tears myself.”</p><p class="p1">It’s a stupid attempt at a joke, but Kyo finds himself laughing anyway. Ridiculous as it is, it’s just the right kind of feeble humor to disrupt Kyo’s miserable thought spiral.</p><p class="p1">“Shut the fuck up,” he says, rubbing at his nose, “you know you were just as great as you always are.”</p><p class="p1">“And you know <em>you</em> were as great as you always are,” Die replies without missing a beat.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, well. Maybe that’s not saying much.”</p><p class="p1">When he glances over, Kyo can see that Die is scowling, but whatever he clearly wants to say doesn’t actually make it out of his mouth.</p><p class="p1">They finish the drive to Kyo’s place without talking much, but Kyo is feeling admittedly better. He wishes he could do more to express how grateful he is for Die, for pulling him up out of his darkness without making a big deal of it.</p><p class="p1">Die is filling Kyo in on some gifts he received from fans at the live (mostly letters, art, and haircare products) as they pull into the parking garage at Kyo’s apartment building, and Kyo is just listening, pleasantly soothed by Die’s voice.</p><p class="p1">“Some of the hair things look pretty interesting, there are a couple I’ve never seen before,” Die says. He turns the car off. “Maybe we could try them out together sometime, if you want.”</p><p class="p1">Kyo raises an eyebrow. “We’re going to hang out and do each other’s hair? What, will we have a pillow fight afterwards?”</p><p class="p1">“Spoken with all the skepticism of someone who has never gotten to experience the joy of a good pillow fight.”</p><p class="p1">Kyo laughs. “I didn’t realize you were such an expert on the subject.”</p><p class="p1">“I know my way around,” Die says, grinning. “But I was serious, I know you’re interested in that kind of thing, too, and I don’t know if fans give it to you as often.”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t need fans to give me that stuff,” Kyo says. “I can buy my own. And if what you have is gifts from fans, they want <em>you</em> to have it. I don’t think I’d feel right horning in on that.”</p><p class="p1">“You wouldn’t be,” Die says, “but I know what you mean.”</p><p class="p1">Neither of them moves then, and Kyo dimly realizes it’s on him to get out of the car and go home, but for some reason he just stays where he’s sitting, and Die doesn’t do anything to rush him along.</p><p class="p1">After a minute, Die just asks, “So then, are you feeling any better?”</p><p class="p1">Kyo nods, though he keeps looking straight ahead, rather than turn towards him. “A little. This… helps.”</p><p class="p1">“You can stay sitting here as long as it helps,” Die offers. “Or if there’s anything I… We could talk, or not talk, your call. But unless you want to be alone, I’m here.”</p><p class="p1">For a while, Kyo doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t exactly want to be alone, either, so he doesn’t try to go anywhere. He thinks he could be content to sit in silence with Die for some immeasurable length of time, just existing, sharing a rare moment of peace in the chaos of their lives.</p><p class="p1">His voice comes out rough and quiet when he finally speaks, “Do you ever have those moments where you wonder if it’s… enough? If what we’re doing…”</p><p class="p1">“Do you mean, if we’re making a difference?” Die asks slowly. “Reaching people with our music?”</p><p class="p1">Kyo’s mouth slants sideways. “Not exactly. I meant… in a more personal sense.”</p><p class="p1">“Hmm.” Die pauses, takes some time before releasing his words. “I’ve heard you say before that you won’t ever feel totally fulfilled, that that sort of <em>yearning</em> for satisfaction is what drives you to create, and if you lost it, you’d lose your purpose altogether.”</p><p class="p1">“Creatively,” Kyo says, nodding. “What about the rest of it? Life. Connecting with <em>people</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s what art does, what art is,” Die says.</p><p class="p1">“Not with <em>fans</em>,” Kyo says tiredly. “Of course, they’re people, and I value that connection, but connecting with <em>someone</em>, someone real, them connecting with <em>me</em>, not just what I write.”</p><p class="p1">It’s quiet again until Die says, “Yeah. I know what you mean.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s so important to me,” Kyo continues absently, “being able to <em>feel</em> something from the audience, to make them feel something, too. For that brief time it’s real. But then I step offstage, and there’s just this sense of… <em>loss</em>. I can’t reach that depth of understanding with anyone in the real world, and sometimes I think. I must really be missing something.”</p><p class="p1">Die hums in a kind of vague agreement, but doesn’t comment.</p><p class="p1">Kyo isn’t bothered by the comfortable silence that falls over them again. He uses it to think and reflect on his own words. He’s always struggled to forge more than superficial relationships with people, had a hard time showing himself to a potential partner without hiding behind the mask of his art, using it as an excuse to scare people away.</p><p class="p1">He supposes that’s why he’d ended up making something with Shinya, simply due to the mutual trust, the intrinsic knowledge that they had of one another. Even then, though, he hadn’t managed to connect as deeply as it had appeared on his end; Shinya, like all the others, had proven dissatisfied with the level of attention and commitment he <em>perceived</em> Kyo giving, whether or not he’d read it correctly.</p><p class="p1">Kyo would swear that he feels Die’s eyes on him, but when he risks a glance in his direction, Die is staring down at his own hands in his lap, eyebrows drawn together.</p><p class="p1">It’s an awfully serious expression, one that makes Kyo think there’s something Die’s not saying, and he prompts him, “What’s wrong?”</p><p class="p1">Die just shakes his head, lifts his gaze to stare out of the windshield. He’s still frowning.</p><p class="p1">Kyo doesn’t want to push. After all, Die has always been respectful of the things Kyo chooses to leave unsaid, but it bothers him somehow that Die would look so troubled like that and not open up to him when he’s sitting so close. “You can tell me anything, you know,” he says, and the words feel awkward and foreign. He assumes it’s something Die knows, has always known, without Kyo saying it out loud.</p><p class="p1">Die chews his lip, and finally says, “It’s just. I really want to kiss you right now.”</p><p class="p1">That isn’t something Kyo was expecting in the least, and he freezes.</p><p class="p1">“So,” Die says, his face finally turning towards Kyo, “unless you tell me you don’t want that, I’m going to.”</p><p class="p1">There’s the warning, and there’s more than enough time for Kyo to say something, to move, to <em>think of a reason</em> to say no. He doesn’t.</p><p class="p1">And then Die is leaning so slowly across the center console, his hand cupping Kyo’s jaw, and his lips are soft against Kyo’s own, and nothing about it feels wrong or dangerous or uncomfortable. It’s oddly safe, and Kyo is surprised to find himself relaxing into it, memorizing the perfect angle, the gentle pressure of Die’s hand, the taste of his tongue as it patiently seeks entrance into Kyo’s mouth.</p><p class="p1">Time must be passing in some off-kilter way, because all at once, Die is pulling back, the kiss seemingly over as quickly as it began—and yet Kyo can’t tell how long it really went on.</p><p class="p1">He should say something, whether to tell Die how much he liked that, or to firmly state that it can’t happen again, but for some reason he just sits there instead, staring at Die and his lips, the slight shine of them visible in the low light of the parking garage.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve wanted to do that for a while now,” Die says, his voice barely more than a whisper.</p><p class="p1">Words spring to mind—questions mostly—but they all fizzle out in Kyo's throat and he stays silent.</p><p class="p1">“You’re just—” Die breaks off, and maybe he’s having a similar problem with his own words, because despite a few aborted attempts, he doesn’t say more than that.</p><p class="p1">There’s still something off about the passage of time; it’s taking far too long for Kyo to process everything happening. By now he should know what he feels, what he wants, but everything in him is tugging in opposite directions. He wants to kiss Die again, but he never should have kissed him in the first place. He wants to move closer, but he’s already inching his hand towards the door handle to exit the car.</p><p class="p1">Die notices the path his hand is taking and smiles ruefully. “It’s fine, you know, I’m not expecting you to stay. I just. Would have regretted it if I hadn’t tried that at least once.”</p><p class="p1">With what is probably conspicuous difficulty, Kyo finds his voice to say, “It doesn’t have to be just once.”</p><p class="p1">Die’s eyes widen. “It doesn’t?”</p><p class="p1">“No,” Kyo says. His fingers curl around the handle of the car door like it’s a safety line. “I would… I liked it. Very much.”</p><p class="p1">“Then…” Die leans forward the smallest amount. “You’d like to do it again?”</p><p class="p1">“Some—other time,” Kyo says, and gets the door open. “I’d like to. But right now, I’m just. Still kinda fucked up, and I don’t want that to be how… How we try—this.”</p><p class="p1">A real smile creeps onto Die’s face. “I understand. Then uh. I’ll be in touch?”</p><p class="p1">Kyo nods, climbs out of the car. “Thank you. I feel… Thanks for driving me. It really did help.”</p><p class="p1">Die waves, and Kyo watches him drive away before his thoughts start spiraling out of control entirely. He still can’t make sense of what just happened, if that was <em>meant</em> to be a one-time impulsive thing, or if Die really intends to follow through on trying again later.</p><p class="p1">In either case, Kyo still can’t interpret it. Is this the porn incident all over again? A couple friends messing around together because they just happen to be in the same place at the same time, with no deeper intimacy to it?</p><p class="p1">But it also opens up the possibility that if this kiss was <em>more</em> than that, the pervious incident might have been more than that, too. Had Die tried to play it off just because he hadn’t wanted to admit there were feelings he wasn’t telling Kyo about?</p><p class="p1">It’s too much for Kyo to wrap his head around, but he’s not. Upset. He can’t regret that Die kissed him, can’t deny the comfortable, honest <em>openness</em> that he felt in it, and he’s glad Die didn’t try to “take it back” right away, like he did when they discussed watching that porn video together.</p><p class="p1">As Kyo goes through the motions of getting himself cleaned up and ready for bed, he thinks he has to be some kind of idiot to have walked away from Die’s car like that. Die was leaning towards him, wanted to kiss him <em>again</em>, and Kyo put a stop to it. Who knows when another chance like that will show itself?</p><p class="p1">At the same time, Kyo knows he’s not in the best decision-making mindset. Post-live, he’s often out of sorts, and it’s healthier for everyone if he takes some time to think before acting. He just hopes everything makes more sense after he sleeps on it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Anyway here's the end!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The next time Kyo sees Die, they’re heading off on the next leg of their tour. Kyo’s had time to think, time to process, has barely focused on anything else the past several days honestly, but when he’s confronted with the sight of Die, face-to-face, anything he might have wanted to say feels impossible, especially given how little privacy they’re afforded while they’re touring.</p>
<p class="p1">He finds himself hoping desperately that <em>Die</em> will be the one to bring it up, that all Kyo will have to do is respond. It’s not like him, to be passive, to sit there hoping someone else makes the first move. He doesn’t even know what he’s afraid of, only that the fear is practically debilitating, and he’s helpless to fight it.</p>
<p class="p1">Some small relief comes when they arrive in Fukuoka and spend the night in a hotel. Kyo sees his opportunity and loudly insists that he and Die room together, heedless of the surprise on Kaoru’s face at the demand. Die has no objection, and Kyo is determined for them to talk.</p>
<p class="p1">He has big plans for what he’s going to say, how he’s going to be completely honest, but he doesn’t expect Die to swing him around, knocking their luggage to the floor so he can trap Kyo's body against the door, the moment they’re inside the hotel room. His lips are on Kyo’s a second later, and talking seems far less important.</p>
<p class="p1">In fact, everything seems less important. The tour drops out of Kyo’s head, any thought of where they are or what’s expected of them. All that matters is that Die keeps kissing him, deep and relentless and with a surprising amount of care. Kyo is dimly aware of Die’s hand on his hip, and finds he has no problem with that whatsoever. Die’s hands are welcome anywhere on his body.</p>
<p class="p1">Die is somewhat breathless when he finally pulls back, just to rest his forehead against Kyo’s. “You don’t know how hard it’s been to stop myself from doing that this whole tour.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I guess I don’t,” Kyo agrees, still struggling to catch his breath as well.</p>
<p class="p1">“I was sure I’d be waiting forever, but then you, claiming me as your roommate… Good thinking.” Die grins. “Guess you got tired of waiting, too, eh?”</p>
<p class="p1">“Um. I… Yeah, pretty much,” Kyo says. He certainly hasn’t been having the same dilemma that Die apparently has, but it’s true that he “got tired of waiting,” after a fashion.</p>
<p class="p1">Die doesn’t miss his hesitation, though. “Isn’t… isn’t that why you asked for us to room together?”</p>
<p class="p1">Again, Kyo takes a beat too long to answer. In a <em>way</em> it is, but he can’t pretend that this is how he’s imagined their conversation going. The reality seems much faster, and more physical, whips around out of Kyo’s control before he can even get a grasp on it.</p>
<p class="p1">Die takes a step back. “I’m fucking this up, aren’t I? This wasn’t—you don’t want—this.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo clears his throat, but only manages, “I’m not sure what I want.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die steps back farther, covers his face with his hands. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. I should never have—Are you okay? I didn’t mean to—”</p>
<p class="p1">“Stop, no, you’re fine,” Kyo says. “<em>I’m</em> fine. I really didn’t mind. I was just surprised. I thought if we roomed together we could finally—<em>talk</em>, about everything.”</p>
<p class="p1">“You… want to talk?” Die says with a grimace.</p>
<p class="p1">“Not really,” Kyo admits. “But I don’t want to get into something without knowing what it is. Not again.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die nods slowly, and moves to sit on one of the beds, his face gone all pensive and serious. There’s a long pause before he speaks. “You’re important to me.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Of course, you’re important to me, too,” Kyo says.</p>
<p class="p1">“The whole band is,” Die says. “But you’ve been a friend to me, and that—the time we spend together means more to me than you realize. I’m a happier person when I’m with you, I can be—just be <em>myself</em>, instead of showing whatever face someone else wants to see.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can’t help but frown at that. The face he always wants to see is <em>Die’s</em> face. Why would anyone ever want Die to act like he was someone else?</p>
<p class="p1">“I didn’t mean for things to take this turn. And if…” Die takes a breath, then says firmly, “I want this. But you, your friendship, is more important to me, and if that’s how you want things to stay between us, I’m perfectly willing to accept that.”</p>
<p class="p1">“When you say you want ‘this,’ that… What do you mean exactly?” Kyo says, moving towards the bed himself. He thinks he’s following, but in this situation he doesn’t dare assume.</p>
<p class="p1">Die seems surprised by the question. He gestures vaguely to the door where they stood a few minutes ago. “All of—you and me, together. I mean, ah—romantically?” He winces, like the word hurts him.</p>
<p class="p1">“Then,” Kyo says, sitting down beside him, “you kissing me, before, now, it’s because you want to be with me.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I—Well, yeah,” Die says. “What did you think it was about?”</p>
<p class="p1">“I don’t ever like to presume to know what someone else is thinking or feeling.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m not Shinya,” Die says. “I don’t know really whether you see that as a positive or a negative about me, but whatever we have, it wouldn’t be like what you had before.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I know,” Kyo says. “It’ll be our own thing. That’s positive, to me.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Meaning—it’s what you want, too?” Die asks. “You’re not—Are you sure?”</p>
<p class="p1">“I’ve had some time to think about it,” Kyo says. “Your friendship is important to me, too, and I was terrified before when I thought I’d fucked it up, but I’d like to explore something more with you, too. See where it takes us.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I don’t want to do casual,” Die warns him. “I’m not interested in seeing other people, or just using each other for stress relief. Like yes, I’m down with that being a benefit of it, but—Look, I’m telling you straight up because it’s something that never got all the way through to Shinya: I want a relationship. Exclusive. You and me, making time for each other, supporting each other.” He looks long and hard at Kyo, as if daring him to back down, back out, but it only makes Kyo more sure.</p>
<p class="p1">“Sounds like we want the same things,” he says calmly. Has Die forgotten everything they talked about when Kyo first broke things off with Shinya? If he thinks Kyo can be scared away by threats of commitment, he’s in for a surprise.</p>
<p class="p1">Honestly, yes, it’s scary. Any time one is really taking a risk and making oneself vulnerable, there’s an element of fear, of danger. What if he ends up disappointing Die, or hurting him? What if they discover they’re not what the other wants?</p>
<p class="p1">But somehow, Kyo doesn’t see it as too great a risk. Even if things don’t work out, Kyo believes their friendship is strong enough to survive any failed attempt at something more, and that makes the whole thing less frightening.</p>
<p class="p1">There’s another brief moment of hesitation, and then Die is closing the distance between them, capturing Kyo’s lips in a kiss so gentle Kyo can’t help but think of sappy romantic imagery—sunset over the water, mist on a fall morning...</p>
<p class="p1">It’s confusing in that it feels so natural, so right, that Kyo is trying to remember some long-forgotten years of practice, of him and Die, trusting and exploring each other. The rehearsal period doesn’t exist, though, and that chance for exploration is now.</p>
<p class="p1">Hands are in Kyo’s hair, and his tongue swipes across Die’s lips and past them. It’s difficult to say who guides whom as they both end up lying on the bed, each dragging the other closer. Kyo’s leg is hitched up around Die’s thigh, and he finally manages to roll his hips against Die’s own. He quite enjoys Die’s sharp intake of breath in response.</p>
<p class="p1">Pulling back, Die searches Kyo’s face. “Don’t tease me,” he whispers.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can’t help but smirk. “I would never.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Um, I’m pretty sure you’re the type who absolutely would,” Die argues.</p>
<p class="p1">“All right, that may be so,” Kyo says, and he thinks Die is just a big baby, complaining about teasing when they’ve barely begun. It’s kind of endearing. “But don’t worry, in this case I promise I have every intention of fucking you.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Oh!” A millisecond too late, Die grins, and says, “Yeah, that sounds perfect.”</p>
<p class="p1">And is Kyo losing his mind or does Die seem—disappointed?</p>
<p class="p1">A hand is placed on Die’s chest to keep him from swooping in for more kisses. “What was that face about?” Kyo asks. “Don’t try to pretend you weren’t making a face, there was something—am I rushing things here? I thought we’d—that we knew where we were going with all this.”</p>
<p class="p1">“No, of course,” Die says quickly. “That’s not at all… You’re not rushing things. I want you.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Then what am I missing, where <em>this</em> isn’t…” Kyo trails off as it dawns on him.</p>
<p class="p1">“I’d just hoped—I’m <em>fine </em>with it either way, though, honestly,” Die says. “I don’t mean for you to think I’m not willing to mix things up.”</p>
<p class="p1">“You want to fuck me,” Kyo says, because he needs it said out loud.</p>
<p class="p1">“I really, really do,” Die sighs. “But I’m also being 100% serious when I say I won’t be hurt or disappointed or any of that if we don’t do things that way.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo’s not against it. With Shinya, things had only ever really gone in the one direction, but Kyo isn’t opposed to something different. Actually, when he said he intended to fuck Die, he hadn’t even meant it in those terms. It’s not something he’s thought about much, and the knowledge that Die perhaps <em>has</em> thought about it, that he has in mind how he would like for all this to go, is a definite turn-on. It’s kind of hot to think of Die with his lean body, crowding over Kyo, dominating him <em>sexually</em>, if not necessarily <em>physically</em>—</p>
<p class="p1">And that’s when something occurs to him. This image is arousing, and oddly familiar.</p>
<p class="p1">Their favorite camboy. Kyo’s always especially enjoyed the videos where he’s fucking himself, always found it that much hotter to see someone so muscular and tough, covered in tattoos, taking it up the ass, and loving it the entire time.</p>
<p class="p1">With a bit of a smirk, Kyo asks, “You just want me to help you live out your camboy fantasy, is that it?”</p>
<p class="p1">Die just looks confused.</p>
<p class="p1">“The tattoos,” Kyo says, gesturing. “And I guess we’re of a—similar body type.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Oh,” Die says, and swallows. Is he seriously blushing?</p>
<p class="p1">“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Kyo says, feeling a bit guilty for how he’s called Die out on some kind of power fantasy he must have. “I get it, you know, I obviously think he’s hot, too, and that’s what porn is all about. If you want to fuck someone like that, I’m not offended in the least.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die’s brow is wrinkled again. “That’s not—That’s backwards from how it really is.” He gives Kyo a look, then sighs when he clearly still misses his meaning. “I don’t have a fantasy about some camboy. He’s hot, but I like him <em>because</em> he reminds me of—<em>you</em>.”</p>
<p class="p1">Now it’s Kyo’s turn to get all blushy and embarrassed. “You mean that… you see him, doing those things, and you think… about me?”</p>
<p class="p1">“I sound like a pervert if I say yes, don’t I?”</p>
<p class="p1">“An honest answer is fine,” Kyo says. His hand is still resting on Die’s chest, and he’s overly aware of every breath Die takes.</p>
<p class="p1">“That’s part of why I like to watch his videos,” Die admits quietly. “And when I showed you, and you liked them too, I thought—I hoped we liked some of the same things about them.”</p>
<p class="p1">“We definitely do,” Kyo says. “I just didn’t know that was what you were into. I always wondered, but it’s not exactly the kind of thing you can ask.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die chuckles. “I guess it’s not.” His hands slide up Kyo’s sides, resting comfortably along his ribs. “I was curious what you liked, too… What turns you on, what part of the video has you losing it.” He wets his lips. “That night when you were at my place, when you were sitting right next to me, touching yourself… I thought I had to be dreaming, finally I could know what got you off—but I was so excited I could barely focus. And then I thought I’d wrecked everything by being a fucking creep.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo shakes his head. “You weren’t a creep. I just didn’t want to ruin our friendship by being <em>really</em> attracted to you, and making things weird. You know how gorgeous you are, and after seeing you like <em>that</em>… It was really hard for me to act—<em>normal</em> around you.”</p>
<p class="p1">“How did you want to act?” Die asks with a mischievous curve to his smile.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo closes his eyes, thinks back to all the fantasies and desires he’s been pushing down since that night. “I wanted to take you apart. Wanted to make you moan for me, suck your cock until your thighs were shaking, and then watch your face as you found your release. Wanted to spread your legs wide and fit myself between them, toy with you until you begged me to let you cum.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die gasps and that’s the only way Kyo registers how his own hand has wandered down to cup Die’s erection, warm and firm against his palm. “That’s—all very doable,” Die says, pushing up into Kyo’s hand. “Whatever you want.”</p>
<p class="p1">There’s a lot that Kyo wants, and he’s only just realizing the full extent of it all. He doubts they can get to it all tonight, and doesn’t really want to try, for fear of rushing through each lovely moment rather than savoring it.</p>
<p class="p1">“For tonight," Kyo says, rubbing his palm over Die’s clothed cock a bit more purposefully, “why don’t you let me suck you off, and we’ll see where things go from there?”</p>
<p class="p1">Die nods, a desperate look on his face that Kyo already likes way too much. He doesn’t stop Kyo from unfastening his pants and pulling them down along with his briefs.</p>
<p class="p1">Finally Kyo has the chance for a closer look at what he only glimpsed before, but has been haunting him ever since then. Die’s cock is long and pretty, and currently hard. It twitches under Kyo’s scrutinizing gaze, and Kyo’s mouth is watering he’s so ready to get a taste.</p>
<p class="p1">“You’re comfortable?” he asks as he positions himself between Die’s pale thighs.</p>
<p class="p1">Die nods again, his eyes locked on Kyo’s. Already he’s clutching fistfuls of hotel bedding, and seems so tense that Kyo is a little worried about him.</p>
<p class="p1">“You’re sure this is okay?” he checks in as he nuzzles against Die’s hip. “If you want to talk more, or if this isn’t want you want…”</p>
<p class="p1">“Can you please stop with the torment and just put your mouth on me?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can’t help but smile. He scrapes his teeth lightly along Die’s inner thigh. “As you wish.”</p>
<p class="p1">It’s been a little while, but Kyo has had a fair amount of practice giving head, and he’s not ashamed to admit that he’s damn good at it. For his first time with Die, he makes sure to use his best technique, putting into play his tongue’s many talents, and it’s terribly gratifying to hear Die totally losing his mind up above him.</p>
<p class="p1">He’s writhing, even as he tries to keep his hips still so Kyo can work, muttering half-formed curse words, pulling at the hotel’s tacky bedspread until Kyo can hear the material straining. He gives little in the way of direct instruction, but he’s so responsive that Kyo is able to make plenty of notes as to his most sensitive spots. The next time he does this, Kyo is sure he’ll be able to incapacitate him in three minutes flat.</p>
<p class="p1">As it is, it doesn’t take much longer than that before Die is whimpering pitifully, begging Kyo to stop before he cums, and Kyo, generous and merciful soul that he is, pulls off.</p>
<p class="p1">“You could’ve cum,” he says, looking up at Die through his lashes. “I don’t mind swallowing.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die visibly shudders, and pushes himself to sit up. “I’ll remember that for next time.” He brushes some loose hair back from Kyo’s face. “God, you’re so sexy.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo tries not to laugh. “Pretty sure all the blood from your brain is just relocated at the moment.”</p>
<p class="p1">“Every second of every day you’re sexy,” Die says, undeterred. “Here between my legs, or dragging your duffel bag up to the room, or—onstage? Fuck, you drive me so wild. Anytime you’re in front of an audience, the way you come alive… it’s so hard to look away.” He drops his gaze. “Maybe it’s kind of fucked-up, seeing you like that and thinking I want to pin you down and make you mine. I know I can’t—<em>tame</em> you, can’t<em> own</em> you. But I’d love to watch you cum on my cock. Love to see you <em>relax</em>, all pleasured and blissed out, all that tension fucked right out of you.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo doesn’t even know how to laugh off that kind of confession, and all he can do is lie there, still propped up on his elbows between Die’s legs, now painfully aware of his own arousal pressing into the mattress below him.</p>
<p class="p1">“Will you really let me try to give that to you?” Die asks, his eyes soft, like he’s worried Kyo will say no at this point, as if he <em>could</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">“I don’t know what you’re waiting for,” Kyo says, and sits up, praying that he’s able to maintain some kind of cool when he feels so lost and hungry.</p>
<p class="p1">Die doesn’t waste any time then, nearly pouncing on Kyo, and he’s sure he was wearing clothes just a moment ago, but now they’re nowhere to be found, and Die is bent over him, kissing his neck and his chest, warm hands gliding down to Kyo’s hips.</p>
<p class="p1">It doesn’t feel rushed, despite how fast everything is moving. Kyo can feel his need growing with every second that Die avoids his heavy cock, but still it’s drawn out as Die makes a point to worship Kyo’s hard-earned muscles, to lavish every centimeter of his physique with attention. His kisses soothe over Kyo’s scars, his fingers dig into tattooed flesh, and Kyo goes mindless with sensation.</p>
<p class="p1">Die is gone for a second and before Kyo has time to miss him he’s there again, only with fingers slicked up from god knows where, patiently starting to open Kyo up.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s been a long time, maybe longer than Kyo had actually realized, and that first stretch is… a lot. It’s <em>so much</em>, and it’s just two of Die’s fingers. A low noise is coming from deep in Kyo’s chest without his consciously making it, and he spreads his legs wider, tries to give Die more space to work.</p>
<p class="p1">Fuck, it's a lot. Kyo’s head tips back, and he’s distantly aware that he’s sweating, his hair a little damp, sticking to his forehead. Die is speaking to him, sweet, calming words that he can’t hear properly, and he just wishes he’d thought to play with himself this way more often in recent times, so he would be more prepared now for everything Die is giving him.</p>
<p class="p1">All at once, he realizes Die is asking him something, waiting for an answer, and he blinks at him because he’s missed it entirely.</p>
<p class="p1">“Do you need me to stop?” Die repeats, concern knitting his brow. “Or slow down? Are you okay?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo takes the pause to take stock of himself, to breathe and adjust. It’s still just shy of Too Much, but the mere fact of Die checking in has him relaxed somewhat. “I’m okay,” he says at length. “It’s been a while. But I don’t want you to stop.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die’s face stays serious as he nods. “You’ll tell me if you need a break?”</p>
<p class="p1">This from the man who wants to pin him down and fuck him till he’s his? It strikes Kyo as funny, except there’s really no other way it could be. Anyone Kyo trusted enough to allow them that control would <em>have</em> to offer him an out, be mindful of his safety and comfort.</p>
<p class="p1">As Die resumes his task, Kyo becomes preoccupied with this line of thought, with Die’s words, that he wants to make Kyo <em>his</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">Generally speaking, of course he’s not big on the idea of <em>ownership</em>, as it applies to people, but there is something to be said for <em>belonging</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">In fact, he can recall a past, that at the moment seems as far away as another galaxy, where he saw himself as Shinya’s. Wanted to be Shinya’s. He knows now it was never how Shinya saw things, but here Die is, right from the beginning, willing to take—again, not that <em>ownership</em>, but that <em>responsibility</em>, and the realization leaves Kyo rather breathless.</p>
<p class="p1">Or that could be the three fingers Die is currently thrusting in and out of his ass.</p>
<p class="p1">Probably some combination of factors?</p>
<p class="p1">In any case, Kyo is suddenly impatient, and grabs at Die until he frees his fingers, wipes his hands and shifts up the bed, wearing a bemused expression.</p>
<p class="p1">“I’m here, what’s up?” His eyes search Kyo’s face, checking for further signs of discomfort, but that’s not why he’s stopped him. “Tell me what you need.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo shakes his head. “Don’t make me wait anymore. Show me I’m yours.”</p>
<p class="p1">It must be the right thing to say, because Die claims his lips in a biting kiss, and then manhandles him, flipping him over and yanking his hips up into the air.</p>
<p class="p1">While Kyo is still processing the suddenness of it, Die brings his hand down on his ass sharply, just once, and Kyo doesn’t manage to stifle his startled cry.</p>
<p class="p1">He can hear Die getting ready in position behind him, but doesn’t let himself look back over his shoulder. Instead, he closes his eyes, tries to prepare himself for what’s coming.</p>
<p class="p1">The slick, blunt head of Die’s cock presses against Kyo’s hole, and he wants to sigh in relief, but then it’s sliding along the cleft of his ass, teasing him again, and Kyo would complain except it’s such glorious evidence of his being completely at Die’s mercy, and that’s something he really likes.</p>
<p class="p1">In time, Die’s hand soothes its way down Kyo’s back, and he says softly, “You don’t know how gorgeous you are like this, bare and open, so patient, just waiting to take my cock. Waiting to be filled. I’d love to keep you waiting, watch you getting needier and needier as you wait hours with your ass in the air, begging to be fucked.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo is not quite so distracted by Die’s words that he misses the cockhead once more fitted against his hole, and he has to remind himself to breathe as it starts to breach him, stretching him wide and leaving no room for anything else, including thought.</p>
<p class="p1">All that comes out of Kyo’s mouth is, “Oh my fucking god,” through clenched teeth, but there’s no reason why he should have to be a wordsmith 100% of the time.</p>
<p class="p1">At least Die doesn’t criticize his lack of eloquence. But then maybe he’s just too busy with that slow, barely-controlled press, deep, <em>deeper</em>, into Kyo’s body, fitting inside him like the space was carved out just for him. It goes on and on, time seeming to stop and pull and rotate as Die’s length goes on filling Kyo so entirely.</p>
<p class="p1">By the time Die’s pelvis is flush to Kyo’s ass, Kyo already feels dangerously close to tipping over the edge. He’s just so overstimulated he could cry, and his cock is positively throbbing where it hangs between his legs.</p>
<p class="p1">“Fuck, you know just how to fill me,” he breathes, not even fully intending for Die to hear him.</p>
<p class="p1">“And you take me perfectly,” Die says, “because you’re mine.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can only moan, and Die takes the cue to start moving, just slow, gentle rocks of his hips to begin with, as he learns Kyo’s body inside and out. It’s not hard or rough, and yet Kyo still feels he’s right at the breaking point, has to gasp for every breath he takes in.</p>
<p class="p1">Everything is more than it should be, and it’s frightening in a way that sex usually isn’t, but that somehow isn’t bad. Kyo’s body—and every other part of him—is alight with Die’s touch, and he’s losing awareness of his surroundings again, the hotel room, the neighbors they presumably have, as Die grips him harder at the hips, fills him again and again, until it’s difficult to say where one man ends and the other begins.</p>
<p class="p1">It’s not that Kyo has never felt intensity or a deep connection during intimacy before, because of course it’s always been something he’s aimed for, but this—it’s <em>Die</em>. He’s his friend and he trusts him so completely, has let him know him so unrestrainedly, and has fallen in love with him without meaning to. And now this.</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo is caught by surprise when Die’s hand reaches around to take hold of his cock, and cries out, more of his emotions making themselves heard than he intends.</p>
<p class="p1">“I want you to feel good,” Die tells him, his thumb teasing below the head Kyo’s cock. “You make me feel amazing, and I want you to feel it, too.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo can’t find the words to describe even one of the things Die is currently making him feel, and his attempts come out as more of a helpless sob.</p>
<p class="p1">Luckily, Die doesn’t misinterpret it as anything negative, and continues on in this same manner, stroking Kyo with a confident, sure hand, still fucking into him like Kyo’s body is his home.</p>
<p class="p1">It can’t last. They’re both far too worked up, and the tension leading to all this has been building too long, but Kyo doesn’t want it to end. He’s shocked by how amazingly right it feels to have Die touching him, perhaps <em>more</em> shocked that it hasn’t happened until now.</p>
<p class="p1">Already he’s thinking of the future. How long will they have to wait until this happens again? If Die really wants to be in an exclusive relationship with him, does that start now, while they’re on tour? Does Die want to tell the rest of the band?</p>
<p class="p1">The thought is sort of dimly horrifying, and he quickly shakes the disgruntled look on Kaoru’s face out of his head as Die goes on stroking him.</p>
<p class="p1">There is something, though, to the idea of Die making public his <em>claim</em> to Kyo, letting their bandmates know that they’ve agreed to belong to each other, to take care of each other in a way that no one else can.</p>
<p class="p1">Somewhere in this rush of emotions, Kyo rather abruptly finds his end, gasping as he seizes up and cums over Die’s hand.</p>
<p class="p1">Die curses appreciatively and pulls out, only to cum a moment later, across Kyo’s ass and lower back. It <em>marks</em> him, and Kyo doesn’t mind in the least.</p>
<p class="p1">He does think a shower is probably in order in the very near future, but before he can suggest it, Die is tugging him down onto his side, maneuvering him comfortably and holding him even closer than he expects.</p>
<p class="p1">The temptation is still there to crack a joke, make a snarky comment, laugh the whole thing off as something outside the bounds of true reality—but Die is warm, hugging him to his chest, sighing into his hair, stroking gently along the base of his skull, and Kyo’s hard-pressed to think of another time he’s felt so <em>safe</em>.</p>
<p class="p1">Shouldn’t it be more difficult? Shouldn’t it feel more dangerous, precarious? All Kyo feels is content, relieved, satisfied. And still, Die makes no move to leave, even to lie further off. There doesn’t even seem to be an unspoken tension in the room, and if Kyo weren’t so distracted trying to understand it by comparing the moment to past relationships and experiences he would probably be truly happy.</p>
<p class="p1">“You haven’t dozed off, have you?” Die asks softly, after who knows how long.</p>
<p class="p1">“Mm-mm. Just thinking. Enjoying this.”</p>
<p class="p1">“I am, too,” Die says. “More than you know.” He kisses the top of Kyo’s head like it’s the easiest thing in the world. “What are you thinking about?”</p>
<p class="p1">“How good this is,” Kyo says. “How nice. It’s kind of hard for me to process.”</p>
<p class="p1">Die hums, thoughtful. His hand is still stroking absently through Kyo’s hair. At length, he says, “You remember you told me… about wanting a connection with someone, a <em>deeper</em> understanding, between you as a person and—and someone else?” He pauses, and his hand stills, too. “I can’t say how it is for you. But I think, for me, that’s what this is. You said you felt like you were missing something. I couldn’t tell, but I was, too, and I think—I think it’s this. It’s you.”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo lets the words sink into him, doesn’t rush his comprehension as he considers the weight and truth of them. For a long time, he has felt like something was missing—not in the sense of being <em>incomplete</em> himself, but like something he’s wanted, hungered for, in his life, has been absent, left an empty space there. That feeling of loss, of emptiness, isn’t lurking anywhere, for the first time in as long as he can remember.</p>
<p class="p1">“I think you’re right,” he says. “That helps it make sense.”</p>
<p class="p1">A long time passes before Die tiredly pushes himself up. “I need to shower before I actually just pass out like this and ruin future-me’s morning.” There’s no hesitation as he extends a hand to Kyo. “Will you join me?”</p>
<p class="p1">Kyo smiles as he climbs out of bed and kisses Die once before following him to the bathroom to shower. They’ll have to talk about their relationship more, about telling the rest of the band and everything that entails, but for tonight, he’s happy to enjoy this, and to feel how Die fills that empty space in his life.</p>
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